Venting Failed Attempt

[traintracks.mp3]

I wrote a suicide note before anything. I planned to take hydroxyzine, my roommate never took hers so she had three bottles full, before learning the lethal dose of it was far too high, making it inefficient. The LD50 for hydroxyzine is 400mg/kg, meaning I would have to take 800 tablets of it to have a 50% chance of fatality. I needed a method that would absolutely kill me if it succeeded, and leave me uninjured if it failed. I couldn't afford hospital bills, and I didn't want to cost my parents money. So I resorted to the train tracks, my preferred fantasy of suicide since 6th grade, which was less than ideal. The problem with train tracks is that the driver has to witness you die, which seems unnecessary and cruel. But I needed to die that night and had no other way. I found my town's railway map and chose a secluded spot near a Catholic cemetery. I didn't want to choose a place with heavy traffic to interfere with my plan. I drove the five minutes in silence, but I brought my headphones for the deed. I also made sure to wear my necklace from the Vatican, thinking maybe God would forgive me if I died with it on. When I arrived, I parked my car on the side of the road, leaving it unlocked with the keys in the passenger seat, along with the note. I put my headphones on and began to listen to music. As I walked to the railroad track, I realized that the point my map had taken me to was overgrown, and no train had traveled on it for a while. I walked down the length of the railroad for a bit, hoping to find an active spot, but I couldn't. It was obvious that this stretch hadn't been used in a long time. I stood there for a moment, considering whether to keep walking, or find another railway. I decided to find another. However, when I got back in my car, the light flashed to tell me I was low on fuel. I decided to give up, as my gas tank wouldn't get me to an active set of tracks. When I arrived home, I was restless. I contacted the Crisis Text Line, which I have as a contact in my phone for times like this. The man who responded was named Jeffery, and he told me to listen to music. I didn't. I took hydroxyzine to try to sleep, but I couldn't. At this point, though, I had accepted that there was no way to die tonight. I got out of bed and called my mom, asking if I could stay the night. I refueled my car and drove to her house to sleep. I went to work that morning and never told anyone.