Venting Everyone Wants me Dead

[Cloudy_Mindset]

Lately it feels like everyone despises me and is actively rooting and/or encouraging my desire to ctb. To put it short I recently got in some legal trouble with the law that might have extreme consequences. My mental health has reached a new low and I have no one to talk to. As if I had anyone to talk to before all this went down. I tried meeting with dozens of psychiatrists help me avert from this destructive path but I kept getting turned away every time. My house was raided and belonging were confiscated. I hate everything I've done up to this point, I can't think of a reason to continue living but No one will hear me out and my parents want to see the this all the way through until the final verdict. They are researching out to lawyers and doctors to help my defense but are using what's basically the 'Autism plea' to defend my case. I don't know if I really pass on the spectrum because I don't show any severe signs ASD behavior. I think do think I'm mentally unwell but definitely not on the spectrum. Every time I try to tell them how I feel about it. They just get aggravated and tell me that I'm wrong because I'm just weird. I already told them I would rather find a peaceful method than to fight this case and they've agreed to aiding me with that but like said, until they hear a verdict. I can no longer find a reason to go outside. I'm barely eating, so going grocery shopping seems so needless now. I cut off my friends because of shame, it's inconvenient to tell anyone uninvolved of my current state and mental health. I refuse to go to prison and live my life in public shame over a misunderstanding. Even though nobody knows, it still feels like I have an audience watching me rooting me on every step of the way until my last breath. I go to work, the store, my room and I feel like eyes are watching me. My psyche is not right, yet still no psychiatrist will see me due to full booking and wait-listingsm. So I've decided to go through with it by using the Charcoal method to ctb as soon as possible. I have a tent but I need to get the other things. If anyone has any advice please help me. I really don't know where to start