So my SN is due to arrive tomorrow, over a week ahead of schedule. I've been obsessing over the tracking information since I bought it last Monday, counting the days until it arrives. I don't think excited is the right word but I've seen its arrival as a positive thing. Until now.
Now that I know it's coming tomorrow, I feel strange. Anxious, yes, nervous, yes, unsure, maybe, probably.
I've been set on closing the book (personally I hate "catching the bus", closing the book sounds more in control and almost poetic) for a few months. I've tried three times in the past, two small almost cry for help efforts and one checking out effort that left me in hospital for nearly three months. I decided on sn a few weeks ago because I need three things - I need it to be clean so that nobody has to clean me up, I need it to be reliable so I don't fail again, and I need the lasting damage to be minimal incase I do fail.
It's a funny feeling today. I'm certain I don't want to stay, but not so certain that I want to go. Maybe it's because it's early or maybe it's because, tomorrow, it will be real.
I know I don't have to go tomorrow just because it's arrived, I can wait and see how I feel; I've got three years if I store it correctly. But what if this is some form of si? I never had si with my last two attempts, I don't even remember the last one - I just woke up in hospital five weeks later. I always understood, from what I've read on here, that si kicks in at the time of taking, I haven't seen anything about a pending arrival triggering it.
Now that I know it's coming tomorrow, I feel strange. Anxious, yes, nervous, yes, unsure, maybe, probably.
I've been set on closing the book (personally I hate "catching the bus", closing the book sounds more in control and almost poetic) for a few months. I've tried three times in the past, two small almost cry for help efforts and one checking out effort that left me in hospital for nearly three months. I decided on sn a few weeks ago because I need three things - I need it to be clean so that nobody has to clean me up, I need it to be reliable so I don't fail again, and I need the lasting damage to be minimal incase I do fail.
It's a funny feeling today. I'm certain I don't want to stay, but not so certain that I want to go. Maybe it's because it's early or maybe it's because, tomorrow, it will be real.
I know I don't have to go tomorrow just because it's arrived, I can wait and see how I feel; I've got three years if I store it correctly. But what if this is some form of si? I never had si with my last two attempts, I don't even remember the last one - I just woke up in hospital five weeks later. I always understood, from what I've read on here, that si kicks in at the time of taking, I haven't seen anything about a pending arrival triggering it.
