Does anyone else wish the world would give them a way to die that isn’t their own fault?

[suacide]

What I mostly mean by this, is I wish I'd be handed an 'easy' way out that didn't have to rely on me committing to ctb. I wish I could get a terminal illness and even if it's painful and I suffer, when I die, it won't be my fault. I'll die in discomfort perhaps, but at least it won't be by my hand or anyone else's. It's how my mom died, and a big part of me wants to die the same way she did. Maybe so I can live out how she felt those last few years, so I can truly understand her in a way I wasn't previously able to no matter how hard I tried, and then die knowing how it was for her. I'll take all the physical suffering needed if it just means I don't need to go through mental torment anymore. To just be given a kindness, even if it's made from pity.
As much as I don't want to, I care about what people would say when I'm gone. I know, I won't be there to actually care. It'll be nothing, returning to the state I was in before I was born, but i don't want that to be a thing I'd even potentially think about in my last moments. I think the greatest mercy any kind of god could give me would be retrograde amnesia, a terminal deadly illness or fixing me, somehow. There doesn't feel like there's any other option. I can't live like this anymore.
I just want to be with her and the pain is unbearable, daily and I know in my heart as much as I try, as much as I'll make myself open up to people and laugh, I'll never have the bond I did with her again.
I want to be connected with someone like that again, but it's impossible. People can be so disgusting. They don't care about pure bonds, pure love, pure anything. In the end they're all liars that say that's what they want and either leave you when they find something better, people you saw as family confess they'd never seen you in that light and instead want something filthy, something disgusting from you - and the rest, I'm not good enough to reach those people. It's weird. I hated her, we fought, she hurt me, she abused me, she ruined me, I ruined her in retaliation, but I loved her; she loved me in a way only family can.

If there's a god, please do me a final mercy and give me what my mother had.

 

[Chemi]

A hitman service, but for suicides would be great.
A service where they help you die, but stage it like an accident after you pass to avoid the shame and suffering that comes after a normal suicide for everyone involved.
Ehh, society isn't ready for something like that yet. But maybe one day....

 

[suacide]

A hitman service, but for suicides would be great.
A service where they help you die, but stage it like an accident after you pass to avoid the shame and suffering that comes after a normal suicide for everyone involved.
Ehh, society isn't ready for something like that yet. But maybe one day....

It would be so nice. Nobody would have to know, nobody would have to be ashamed of me and I wouldn't have to feel shame either. I could take my time living life knowing that I don't have to feel how I do, and that someone else will take care of it for me.
I could calmly get ready for it, have a great few final weeks of my life, and it would all be over. I would die happy and no one's feelings about me would have to be skewed.
I hope one day it'll become a thing, so that people don't have to feel what a lot of of us are feeling.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

A hitman service, but for suicides would be great.
A service where they help you die, but stage it like an accident after you pass to avoid the shame and suffering that comes after a normal suicide for everyone involved.
Ehh, society isn't ready for something like that yet. But maybe one day....

Is that not just putting a hit on yourself? lmao

 

[Forever Sleep]

In so much as a freak accident say- might be slightly easier for family and friends to accept. Can't say I'm keen on the idea of an illness though. Certainly not if it's a very drawn out process. I've known family members suffer for years and years on end. Sometimes longing for death way before it came.

There's the other issue that an illness may not start out as terminally serious. At those early stages- everyone expects you to get diagnosed and treated- in the hopes of making a full recovery. If a person refuses treatment at that stage- it's going to seem obvious to others what they're hoping for.

I'm not so sure all that many illnesses kill quickly and cleanly either. So- for example, a few years back- one morning, I experienced the most terrific pain in my chest. I thought it might be a heart attack. I felt ready to die so- I didn't call for an ambulance. I waited... and waited but eventually, it passed. It was too painful to ignore though.

I did end up trying to get it diagnosed. Between my reluctance and the rubbish NHS in the UK, I'd had 13 more attacks before anything was done. On the last one- the pain wasn't going away for days and I didn't feel like I could cope anymore.

Eventually, they figured out it was gallstones. With a stone and a bunch of sludge blocking the bile duct. Left untreated- maybe that would have eventually killed me. I was jaundice by that point. But, the intense pain, not knowing whether it could even kill me. Not knowing how long it would last was too much for me.

I think that's the problem with 'natural' illness and death. We don't know how long it might take. We don't necessarily know whether what we have is terminal- even if it is extremely painful.

Plus, many of us have to work still. You don't necessarily get benefit pay for a treatable illness- that in rare cases, might lead to death. So- it's a question also of whether you can work whilst experiencing excruciating pain. I couldn't. I dreaded having an attack at work.

I do sympathise with what you wrote about your Mum though. My Grandma was like a Mum to me- after mine died. She suffered terribly with her health. During my trouble with the gallstones, I did wonder- was this what life was like for her? I truly don't know how she coped. If I had chronic pain on top of everything else, I'd likely be telling my Dad (the last remaining person I'm hanging on for,) that I couldn't stand life anymore. No one should have to put up with living in excruciating pain.

Rather than seeing it as something I could actially die from- unless I knew that was a certainty and I felt confident my pain could be managed- I tend to think a chronic illness would rather lend legitimacy to my suicide attempt. No person who claimed to love me should want me to have to live like that.

 

[Vivisection]

for the longest time I assumed Id get some sort of cancer and only find out once terminal, ill sit in this idea and dream of how much people would be devastated rather than when i inevitably ctb and theyre angry at me
i get you

 

[scarystrawberry]

Every day I pass by a busy street I hope a car will run me over. Also have an ed and have heart issues bc of it. I rlly hope one day while I'm purging I just have a heart attack. I don't think I've ever hoped for a chronic physical illness but I would be happy if I found out I had a lethal one. Suicide is scary so I get you. Something else taking away that fear and just doing it for me, allowing me to not need to prepare and just be able to die is rlly comforting and appealing.

 

[suacide]

In so much as a freak accident say- might be slightly easier for family and friends to accept. Can't say I'm keen on the idea of an illness though. Certainly not if it's a very drawn out process. I've known family members suffer for years and years on end. Sometimes longing for death way before it came.

There's the other issue that an illness may not start out as terminally serious. At those early stages- everyone expects you to get diagnosed and treated- in the hopes of making a full recovery. If a person refuses treatment at that stage- it's going to seem obvious to others what they're hoping for.

I'm not so sure all that many illnesses kill quickly and cleanly either. So- for example, a few years back- one morning, I experienced the most terrific pain in my chest. I thought it might be a heart attack. I felt ready to die so- I didn't call for an ambulance. I waited... and waited but eventually, it passed. It was too painful to ignore though.

I did end up trying to get it diagnosed. Between my reluctance and the rubbish NHS in the UK, I'd had 13 more attacks before anything was done. On the last one- the pain wasn't going away for days and I didn't feel like I could cope anymore.

Eventually, they figured out it was gallstones. With a stone and a bunch of sludge blocking the bile duct. Left untreated- maybe that would have eventually killed me. I was jaundice by that point. But, the intense pain, not knowing whether it could even kill me. Not knowing how long it would last was too much for me.

I think that's the problem with 'natural' illness and death. We don't know how long it might take. We don't necessarily know whether what we have is terminal- even if it is extremely painful.

Plus, many of us have to work still. You don't necessarily get benefit pay for a treatable illness- that in rare cases, might lead to death. So- it's a question also of whether you can work whilst experiencing excruciating pain. I couldn't. I dreaded having an attack at work.

I do sympathise with what you wrote about your Mum though. My Grandma was like a Mum to me- after mine died. She suffered terribly with her health. During my trouble with the gallstones, I did wonder- was this what life was like for her? I truly don't know how she coped. If I had chronic pain on top of everything else, I'd likely be telling my Dad (the last remaining person I'm hanging on for,) that I couldn't stand life anymore. No one should have to put up with living in excruciating pain.

Rather than seeing it as something I could actially die from- unless I knew that was a certainty and I felt confident my pain could be managed- I tend to think a chronic illness would rather lend legitimacy to my suicide attempt. No person who claimed to love me should want me to have to live like that.

I think for me, if I do die from what my mother did- which there was no way around, its as terminal as terminal gets, I would want it to hurt. I'd want to suffer for as long as it takes until I die, just like she did for twenty years. A miracle with what she had, and I don't think I'd be so lucky considering I'm already sickly and hardly care of myself. I want to know what it was like, what I'd been so disgustingly ignorant to and take it all on.
Maybe as a kind of punishment, but also as a way of being close to her. I acknowledge this isn't a sane minds reasonings and I promote this way of being to nobody, but I feel catharsis in feeling the same torment. It's hard to explain other than I feel like sometimes nothing can bring a soul closer to another than shared suffering.
Even as I am now, I'm permanently considered unfit to work so being terminally ill wouldn't affect my way of life. Either way I'll be dying, but that way I get to be as close to her as the human understanding of closeness could ever be.

for the longest time I assumed Id get some sort of cancer and only find out once terminal, ill sit in this idea and dream of how much people would be devastated rather than when i inevitably ctb and theyre angry at me
i get you

I think in the end it's partially about wanting mercy. I have my other reasons, but people can be so cruel. They're kinder to people who have no choice or at least they perceive them too.
Everyday I live in misery, but that isn't enough 'no choice' for them.

Every day I pass by a busy street I hope a car will run me over. Also have an ed and have heart issues bc of it. I rlly hope one day while I'm purging I just have a heart attack. I don't think I've ever hoped for a chronic physical illness but I would be happy if I found out I had a lethal one. Suicide is scary so I get you. Something else taking away that fear and just doing it for me, allowing me to not need to prepare and just be able to die is rlly comforting and appealing.

I think my specificness stems just from the nature of my life, how the one in my mind has affected my life and my closest person before she died to it, but I understand you. Honestly I'm not even scared to ctb anymore, it's just what I'll be leaving behind, and what I haven't experienced or understood. I want it to be able to understand her, but also so I don't have to die with shame. So people don't need to be ashamed of me. So a room doesn't go quiet when I'm mentioned in a negative way that you can't mention around the children.
It's silly, but I really do care about those silly things. Not the pain, not the suffering, not how I look, just how I'm remembered.

 

[catzy]

What I mostly mean by this, is I wish I'd be handed an 'easy' way out that didn't have to rely on me committing to ctb. I wish I could get a terminal illness and even if it's painful and I suffer, when I die, it won't be my fault. I'll die in discomfort perhaps, but at least it won't be by my hand or anyone else's. It's how my mom died, and a big part of me wants to die the same way she did. Maybe so I can live out how she felt those last few years, so I can truly understand her in a way I wasn't previously able to no matter how hard I tried, and then die knowing how it was for her. I'll take all the physical suffering needed if it just means I don't need to go through mental torment anymore. To just be given a kindness, even if it's made from pity.
As much as I don't want to, I care about what people would say when I'm gone. I know, I won't be there to actually care. It'll be nothing, returning to the state I was in before I was born, but i don't want that to be a thing I'd even potentially think about in my last moments. I think the greatest mercy any kind of god could give me would be retrograde amnesia, a terminal deadly illness or fixing me, somehow. There doesn't feel like there's any other option. I can't live like this anymore.
I just want to be with her and the pain is unbearable, daily and I know in my heart as much as I try, as much as I'll make myself open up to people and laugh, I'll never have the bond I did with her again.
I want to be connected with someone like that again, but it's impossible. People can be so disgusting. They don't care about pure bonds, pure love, pure anything. In the end they're all liars that say that's what they want and either leave you when they find something better, people you saw as family confess they'd never seen you in that light and instead want something filthy, something disgusting from you - and the rest, I'm not good enough to reach those people. It's weird. I hated her, we fought, she hurt me, she abused me, she ruined me, I ruined her in retaliation, but I loved her; she loved me in a way only family can.

If there's a god, please do me a final mercy and give me what my mother had.

Yes I wish I had some soecific terminal disease

 

[dontwakemeup]

I can't do it this way I would be calling the hit off and be so terrified they would still do it that I would go to the police and report them For some reason, I just don't trust suicidal and homicidal peopleCan you imagine how that report would look

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think for me, if I do die from what my mother did- which there was no way around, its as terminal as terminal gets, I would want it to hurt. I'd want to suffer for as long as it takes until I die, just like she did for twenty years. A miracle with what she had, and I don't think I'd be so lucky considering I'm already sickly and hardly care of myself. I want to know what it was like, what I'd been so disgustingly ignorant to and take it all on.
Maybe as a kind of punishment, but also as a way of being close to her. I acknowledge this isn't a sane minds reasonings and I promote this way of being to nobody, but I feel catharsis in feeling the same torment. It's hard to explain other than I feel like sometimes nothing can bring a soul closer to another than shared suffering.
Even as I am now, I'm permanently considered unfit to work so being terminally ill wouldn't affect my way of life. Either way I'll be dying, but that way I get to be as close to her as the human understanding of closeness could ever be.

I think in the end it's partially about wanting mercy. I have my other reasons, but people can be so cruel. They're kinder to people who have no choice or at least they perceive them too.
Everyday I live in misery, but that isn't enough 'no choice' for them.

I think my specificness stems just from the nature of my life, how the one in my mind has affected my life and my closest person before she died to it, but I understand you. Honestly I'm not even scared to ctb anymore, it's just what I'll be leaving behind, and what I haven't experienced or understood. I want it to be able to understand her, but also so I don't have to die with shame. So people don't need to be ashamed of me. So a room doesn't go quiet when I'm mentioned in a negative way that you can't mention around the children.
It's silly, but I really do care about those silly things. Not the pain, not the suffering, not how I look, just how I'm remembered.

It's a beautiful and sincere way of wanting to be close to and love someone I suppose. I do really admire that.

I suppose from my own standpoint of beliefs, not being convinced we do live on after death- I wonder what difference this would make to her though I suppose. Plus, as your mother, I imagine she would hate the idea that you ended up suffering the way she did.

I think maybe you're being harsh on yourself too- for being ignorant about how much your Mum was suffering. You were a child presumably. Should children be exposed to knowing about severe illness and death early on? Again, I doubt that was something she would have wanted for you. I imagine she tried to shield you from the worst of it for as long as she could.

May I ask- is it guilt you feel? But then- why? You were the dependent in the relationship. Ideally, it shouldn't even be up to children to have to take responsibility for their parents until later life. I do respect though, that it must be love that makes you want to feel closer to her life.

I guess I might be assuming you're young though. I definitely feel guilty that I neglected my Grandma in particular but, other family members too. Who did so much for me but who I largely abandoned when they needed me. There were reasons for that. Other unfortunate things in childhood I felt the need to get away from entirely but still- I know it's a poor excuse really. I do carry deserved guilt around that. I wouldn't be brave enough to want to experience the illnesses they did as retribution though.

I think I'm less kind and understanding than you though. I probably carry more resentment than humility. With an anti-natilist bent. So- life can be full of unfairness and pain. It's terrible that we witness those we love experiencing such illnesses. But then- knowing that as a species we are vulnerable to all these awful things, what were our parents thinking- exposing us to the same risks?

They didn't necessarily bring ill fortune upon themselves but then, they surely witnessed that they were at the mercy of (sometimes) cruel fate. So then- why inflict the same on us? Perhaps worse, they knew we would likely witness their deaths. I don't think that's a kind thing to put someone through. So- I suppose while I carry guilt, I probably feel like an atonement of experiencing their pain would seem unfair.

 

[g357]

Yep. I wish I could take someones terminal diagnosis from them, someone who doesnt want to die

I wish id get cancer so I could leave and it would be easier on my loved ones than if I took my own life

 

[suacide]

It's a beautiful and sincere way of wanting to be close to and love someone I suppose. I do really admire that.

I suppose from my own standpoint of beliefs, not being convinced we do live on after death- I wonder what difference this would make to her though I suppose. Plus, as your mother, I imagine she would hate the idea that you ended up suffering the way she did.

I think maybe you're being harsh on yourself too- for being ignorant about how much your Mum was suffering. You were a child presumably. Should children be exposed to knowing about severe illness and death early on? Again, I doubt that was something she would have wanted for you. I imagine she tried to shield you from the worst of it for as long as she could.

May I ask- is it guilt you feel? But then- why? You were the dependent in the relationship. Ideally, it shouldn't even be up to children to have to take responsibility for their parents until later life. I do respect though, that it must be love that makes you want to feel closer to her life.

I guess I might be assuming you're young though. I definitely feel guilty that I neglected my Grandma in particular but, other family members too. Who did so much for me but who I largely abandoned when they needed me. There were reasons for that. Other unfortunate things in childhood I felt the need to get away from entirely but still- I know it's a poor excuse really. I do carry deserved guilt around that. I wouldn't be brave enough to want to experience the illnesses they did as retribution though.

I think I'm less kind and understanding than you though. I probably carry more resentment than humility. With an anti-natilist bent. So- life can be full of unfairness and pain. It's terrible that we witness those we love experiencing such illnesses. But then- knowing that as a species we are vulnerable to all these awful things, what were our parents thinking- exposing us to the same risks?

They didn't necessarily bring ill fortune upon themselves but then, they surely witnessed that they were at the mercy of (sometimes) cruel fate. So then- why inflict the same on us? Perhaps worse, they knew we would likely witness their deaths. I don't think that's a kind thing to put someone through. So- I suppose while I carry guilt, I probably feel like an atonement of experiencing their pain would seem unfair.

I guess it's exactly that in why I feel the need for it, i believe she's truly gone, she can't feel any sort of way about it all that's left to comprehend, see and feel is me. I don't believe in an afterlife, so all I can do is experience what I can and feel what she felt while I'm still here. Maybe if there was one, she wouldn't want this for me but at the same time. In a way, it's like fulfilling my purpose and I feel my purpose is to understand her, even if she isn't here to tell me herself.

You're probably right that I'm being harsh on myself, but it wasn't just while I was a child. When I was a teenager too. When I became an adult. I'm just 23, but I've had this perspective of the world for a long time. I know to many I'm still naive and if I were to keep going, I'd be naive to myself, but it's a hard feeling to explain. I was angry for most of my childhood, most of my teenhood and even in her final years I felt myself having to bite my tongue because I had this inner impulse to be short and crass.
I did my best not to be, but she pressed my buttons easier than anyone ever could. We had good times too, a good amount, and even more of them when I reached adulthood. Times I remember fondly. Times that made me realise we aren't so different, and that just as easily I could've been the terrified, manic mother with a childhood full of abuse. And it makes my heart hurt.
Throughout my life, she was my only consistency.
It was weird. We'd have terrible fights, I'd be hurt and sobbing into the floor about how I hope she'd drop dead and I'd starve and die right after, then the next day we'd be getting ice cream after she apologised in tears, then later we'd cuddle while watching a film and I'd fall asleep in her arms and I could only think about how much I loved her and that I was glad to be her child. We saw all sides of each other. It made me realise, whether this is right or not, my version of love isn't just accepting someone's goods, but their bads too between undying, pure, mutual loyalty.

Some of its guilt, but a bigger portion I think is overwhelming compassion to the point her suffering has always felt like my own, to the point I could get prickly with her just like she did with me.
It's difficult to explain my relationship with her other than when I was young I was the person she told everything to, I protected her and she protected me, we only had each other. She was diagnosed with what she died from when I was just 3 years old, and after a life as cruel as hers, I can't forgive the world for doing something like that to her. I knew she was scared, she even wrote in her diaries about being scared. In therapy report summaries she didn't know I read through too. I would trade everything and anything to give her another chance at life where none of those awful things happened, I'd happily suffer for her.
We moved around frequently, so I just never formed an attachment to anyone else and when I did, I was already gone off somewhere else. A lot of bad things happened to me when I was little that she didn't know about, but I know if she knew she would've been kinder. Just like how if I knew how things were for her, I would've been kinder too. So without her, I truly have nothing. I didn't think so before all this, but her absence made me realise I really was only hanging around for her. I lived for her and her only, my life was never my own and I was happier when it wasn't.

For me it's more than just atonement itself even if it's a part of it, I don't think this is any sort of kindness or humility, but I don't know what it could possibly be either. So I just accept it as it is and hope that before I do die, I get the chance to understand her as closely as I can while I still can.
There's a bit of wishful thinking where even if I never get to consciously acknowledge it, it'd somehow interlink our souls and in any form I'd get to be with her again to it too.
I know my way of thinking isn't well, or right to many, and I'm sure if I looked back on it if I ever got better maybe like others I'd write myself off as so severely mentally ill that I've left the pool of people with their feet planted to the ground, but it feels like my truth and what's right to me. I hope any of this makes sense or travels, I'm very guilty of rambling and going on tangents.