Discussion Do you think CTB will ever feel right (for you) when the time comes?

[dropdeadfred]

I imagine it is/could be different for people who are in immense physical/psychological pain/have a terminal illness or are really just eager to let go & welcome death.
As for me: I have chronic fatigue & depression & I am in & out of feeling "hope" or maybe, it's just survival instinct, though I know that CTB is ultimately what I want. Even still, I don't think for me that it's ever going to feel "right" or "justified" down to my last breath. I think it will be that way no matter what I do/tell myself. I don't know how to come to such terms with my life & death to look forward to my end... a possible inevitable regret at the end. The "what ifs"; the mourning of a life that could have been had I chosen a different path earlier in my life.
I just don't think this feeling is going to go away for me, no matter how "prepared" & confident in my decision I am. Maybe this is underlying guilt of leaving my family, shame; my incapacity to accept my failure to thrive as a human.

 

[Time to fly]

I suppose the true comfort I get from knowing my CTB is that the mess, issues, screw ups, hurt, pain and everything else life throws at you will finally end...not worried what people think after or what people go through especially with the why or what if questions they ask, that will all be gone...yes it's a permanent solution but sometimes you need that permanent solution to save you from others and allow you to be you and do what you have thought about for years...

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm in pain all the time and there is no way to escape from that. It's an act of courage to be here at all.

 

[flower]

I've wanted to die for so long, I'm not sure. the main issue for me will most likely be fear of failing and having to deal with the consequences.

 

[Meditation guide]

Sodium azide has a more sure result. To fail would be a disaster for me.

 

[flower]

How can you fail at SN?
You're not a very bright cookie, are you?

thanks love, read any case of people surviving sn and get back to me.

 

[Meditation guide]

I can't believe what someone said to you @flowergrl Sorry someone was so rude! As well as uninformed.

 

[Niftypoint124]

I don't think it will feel "right" so much as "very necessary", and probably come to pass during a moment of "fuck it, I'm out!" instead of on a specific date. The ebb and flow of emotional states over the last few years make clear that even when I'm real fuckin sad, I might not be in the mood to do anything more than that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Maybe it won't feel "right" for me when the time comes but it's going to have to happen regardless. I just hope that when the time does come, I'll have the stones to do what needs to be done.

 

[dropdeadfred]

I can't believe what someone said to you @flowergrl Sorry someone was so rude! As well as uninformed.

Yes. That one will be cursing everyone & their grandmother until his last day. Immature & mean. Predictable life. I'm glad flowergrl was kind enough to teach him super accessible knowledge.

Everyone else's responses have really touched my heart. Thanks for sharing.

 

[muffin222]

Yes. There are plenty of moments where it feels completely right for me, but I always stop myself from going through with it because I have loose ends that would need to be tied up first.

 

[NightmareTour]

I have chronic pain/illness, and I think there's already going to be that part ingrained into me that tells me that I haven't tried hard enough. I don't think that's ever going to go away. There's also going to be guilt. But I know I've tried everything, and my pain and health problems aren't going to just go away. I just have to rationalise it, I guess.

 

[katesmith]

Sodium azide has a more sure result. To fail would be a disaster for me.

Did you get it?

 

[WornOutLife]

Last year, when I tried to ctb, I was very scared but suicide and death felt right. It was the best time to do it and I was ready for the eternal nothingness or some kind of afterlife.

Unfortunately, I survived. Now, I'm trying to live but whenever I feel ctb is right, I will certainly go for it.

 

[katesmith]

Last year, when I tried to ctb, I was very scared but suicide and death felt right. It was the best time to do it and I was ready for the eternal nothingness or some kind of afterlife.

Unfortunately, I survived. Now, I'm trying to live but whenever I feel ctb is right, I will certainly go for it.

You are lucky you didn't have brain damage or anything like that with what ever method you did I hope you find peace

 

[WornOutLife]

You are lucky you didn't have brain damage or anything like that with what ever method you did I hope you find peace

That's right, my friend.
I had an OD with 100 sleeping pills and anti-depressants (for real) and the doctors said that good luck was on my side because I should've ended up with permanent brain damage. To make matters worse, I was in a 2-day coma. I will certainly be much more careful if there's a next time.

 

[katesmith]

That's right, my friend.
I had an OD with 100 sleeping pills and anti-depressants (for real) and the doctors said that good luck was on my side because I should've ended up with permanent brain damage. To make matters worse, I was in a 2-day coma. I will certainly be much more careful if there's a next time.

Wow! You have a guardian angel somewhere looking out for you!
I OD on 40 tramadol pills in 2019 and woke up the next day feeling like I was drunk for about 3 days and it did nothing to me internally. I know it's not as much as yours but I actuLly thought that would kill me so now I know it's such a waste of time to try and CBT with pills unless it's something like Morphine but you need a doctor's prescription