Not really. Came to the realization that I am truly a broken person and, although this sounds cliché, I truly am not good for anyone. Just that broken of a person. I always inevitably find a way to screw up any relationship I ever have, so, really no point in trying to get on in this world anymore. Not the world's fault, its mine.
Reactions:
onthelastday, Leshen and GenesAndEnvironment
yes my cats who i can tell will notice when im gone. my husband/my upcoming life chapter. my friends who will also be heartbroken by my departure. but most of all my brothers and my grandfather. they dont even know im suicidal. im all my grandfather has and my brothers are only little, i havent seen them in years, it just seems wrong to leave them "where did she go" why is she never coming back"
The only somewhat realistic thing would be if I could join the military. It's my dream job to be a soldier but they declined me because of my depression, something that I know won't ever be fixed so there is nothing to live for.
I did improve a lot since my last attempt actually. Like having a stable job, the people who I live with are okayish company. My anxiety and depression have gotten a lot better. And I am very relieved about that. But I have no idea why that happened. I never know why my mood changes and that leaves me helpless and feeling out of control which makes me feel worse.
So reasons I hold on rn are
1. I already failed 2 times (and both were solid plans) so I'm afraind I'll fail again
2. My life isn't unbarable atm it's just not particulary nice
3. I do have a few things to look forward to. I'm thinking about an aprentienceship and I'm good at my job.
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