NSFW Do I deserve to die

[zooweee]

When I was a kid like ten years old (for reference I'm 18 now) I perpetrated cocsa out of curiosity from exposure to porn at a young age. I touched two people in their sleep. One was way younger than me. I feel so much regret and I hate myself so much I would never do that today and I've ruined any chances at being normal and loving myself and having a future. Is this a rare case where I deserve to CBT? Because honestly I can't see myself deserving to live. Even if I dedicate my time now to helping people and being a good person, nothing erases the past. Everyone thinks im just some innocent kind girl but i used to be a monster i want to die so bad because of this. I have a family who cares about me and friends who i love but what's the point. Im hiding the truth.

 

[grandmotherboxing]

You were ten years old. I dunno why you think you are a monster for being a curious, if unsupervised (you really shouldn't be watching porn so young) child that made a mistake, you were hardly a rational agent. How long have you been dealing with this regret though?

 

[zooweee]

You were ten years old. I dunno why you think you are a monster for being a curious, if unsupervised (you really shouldn't be watching porn so young) child that made a mistake, you were hardly a rational agent. How long have you been dealing with this regret though?

I remembered it when I was like 13-14 and felt a lot of guilt, started self harming at that time too. It got blocked out of my memory for a while and it all came back about 3 months ago worse than ever, I'm 18 now.

 

[U. A.]

yeah, when people try to defend the porn industry, this is the kind of shit that's indefensible.
things between consenting adults or even mature (older) minors is one thing, but it can't be guaranteed that children will never see this stuff and children should not be seeing this stuff. as already posted, this isn't on you. i think you need some time and quality support to get through it tho