GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
Went to the gym after not really having recovered enough, felt weak and some guy occupied the bench. I see the same couple that's usually there, extremely attractive gf and her bf. Their presence disturbs me extra much this time around. I hear her compliment him. I hear giggling.
When I look in their direction he is helping her do pull-ups by pressing her hips upward. My CTB-switch gets activated. I feel a calm determination and the will to take action.
I walk home and grab the things I need for partial in the woods, and I walk into the woods. Sadly it is a sunny Sunday--many boomers and hikers are about. I know that this is the worst possible time to do this, but I don't really care and keep repeating motivational slogans in my head and generating jokes. I see a ridiculous amount of people in the wood, I try to venture deeper in but it's of no use. I feel no fear or anxiety about getting found before or even during the hanging, but I know that I should be selective about the spot. I look for strong branch + secluded area, can't find shit.
Eventually I give up and settle for a branch that only bends a bit when I put my 95kg on it (a lot of that is muscle, don't @ me). I tie a slipknot around the branch and put my weight on it, to my horror the knot unties itself. Thank God I know both a simple noose and bowline, then. I tie a bowline and find a branch that I can reach the end of to secure the already-tied bowline without having to tie it around the branch.
The branch/tree is small, weak and shitty but seems able to hold my entire weight for some ok-ish amount of time. Now it's just the matter of tying a simple noose. I try to tie one but the rope is a little too long for my taste, so I cut it. I go to tie a noose and find out that the rope might now be too short, lmfao. I look around me for the first time since I started the process with the second branch and I see a boomer sitting in plain sight of me and some hiker walking past 20m away. Ok cool.
I take my backpack and get the fuck out of there, lmfao. Didn't even get scared or anything, but I knew that there was a risk that someone would call the cops and shit.
Anyway, I think this was a good experience. I learned a bit and also know that I have it in me to go and try to make this happen at least, now I just need another push like this (or several) and I should eventually manage to hang myself and end up a vegetable or even die.
Thank you for reading my story, post your own failed attempt stories if you have them.
When I look in their direction he is helping her do pull-ups by pressing her hips upward. My CTB-switch gets activated. I feel a calm determination and the will to take action.
I walk home and grab the things I need for partial in the woods, and I walk into the woods. Sadly it is a sunny Sunday--many boomers and hikers are about. I know that this is the worst possible time to do this, but I don't really care and keep repeating motivational slogans in my head and generating jokes. I see a ridiculous amount of people in the wood, I try to venture deeper in but it's of no use. I feel no fear or anxiety about getting found before or even during the hanging, but I know that I should be selective about the spot. I look for strong branch + secluded area, can't find shit.
Eventually I give up and settle for a branch that only bends a bit when I put my 95kg on it (a lot of that is muscle, don't @ me). I tie a slipknot around the branch and put my weight on it, to my horror the knot unties itself. Thank God I know both a simple noose and bowline, then. I tie a bowline and find a branch that I can reach the end of to secure the already-tied bowline without having to tie it around the branch.
The branch/tree is small, weak and shitty but seems able to hold my entire weight for some ok-ish amount of time. Now it's just the matter of tying a simple noose. I try to tie one but the rope is a little too long for my taste, so I cut it. I go to tie a noose and find out that the rope might now be too short, lmfao. I look around me for the first time since I started the process with the second branch and I see a boomer sitting in plain sight of me and some hiker walking past 20m away. Ok cool.
I take my backpack and get the fuck out of there, lmfao. Didn't even get scared or anything, but I knew that there was a risk that someone would call the cops and shit.
Anyway, I think this was a good experience. I learned a bit and also know that I have it in me to go and try to make this happen at least, now I just need another push like this (or several) and I should eventually manage to hang myself and end up a vegetable or even die.
Thank you for reading my story, post your own failed attempt stories if you have them.
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