Venting Collateral Damage

[reznikoff]

I had a really bad breakdown the other day which resulted in my boyfriend of a year having to console me and although he was trying hard to aid me, in my hysterical state I let it slip that I just wanted to die and that I was so, so very very tired.

This led to him freaking out, and I begged him to not do anything stupid if I did something to myself. I tried to get him to promise me, but he made no such promise.

He told me that if I were to kill myself then he would promptly follow suit, because he doesn't want to live without me because he says I'm the best thing in his life. Which really sucks and really hurts, because it prohibits me from making my own decision for myself.

Don't get me wrong - he's an amazing person and he's the main reason I'm still alive, as a matter of fact. But if I lose hope and try to CTB, I wouldn't be able to follow through because I know he would try it too. Or he might not, he might just be saying that. But that's not a chance I wanna take. He has so much ahead of him and I have nothing. There's just too much collateral damage to be had in regards to him and his family.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I can very much relate to the feeling of feeling very very tired.
Being depressed has that effect of occupying all of your mental bandwidth and then some.
I'm sorry for the trouble that you have, do you think that with you boyfriend being the thing to keep you here maybe open up and talk to him more might help?
Good luck sister
DBD

 

[throwaway123]

Why not CTB together? Sorry if I come off as rude.

 

[reznikoff]

I can very much relate to the feeling of feeling very very tired.
Being depressed has that effect of occupying all of your mental bandwidth and then some.
I'm sorry for the trouble that you have, do you think that with you boyfriend being the thing to keep you here maybe open up and talk to him more might help?
Good luck sister
DBD

Yeah, I try talking to him about it, but I end up feeling guilty. He usually makes me temporarily feel better though, because I know he's trying really hard.

Why not CTB together? Sorry if I come off as rude.

No, that's not rude (: I never thought of that, but that's something I would never do - he isn't inherently suicidal and he has so much to live for. Like he's been doing really really well at work and he has his family and he just spent a lot of money on new camera equipment because he's a cinematography intern. He would only do something of that nature if I did it first - or so he says. Idk. He deserves to stay and I deserve to go