dogdrool
New Member
- Dec 2, 2025
- 1
Sort of just an introductory rant.
I'm a 19 year old illustration student and I've experienced 6 aborted suicide attempts in the last 4 months, ranging from being on the rails until the last minute to not even getting out of bed on my planned date.
I've been suicidal since I was 11, as-well as struggling with bipolar disorder, autism, self harm and intrusive thoughts.
I'm in a weird spot right now where I'm kind of… worn out from so many attempts. I just feel flat and I can't be bothered to try again right now, but I'm not feeling any better. Honestly, it's really confusing in general. I'm quite depressed with no good reason, I have a good family (though they're not that supportive of my mental health) and I'm in university as-well as having friends here and there.
Everything still just feels like too much or too little. My life isn't bad, but I seem to be quite a nitpick haha. I guess I should learn that depression doesn't always have a cause or reason.
It doesn't really make sense for me to be suicidal is what I'm trying to say, but I'm also not really trying to fight it. I think it's just some weird urge/impulse that started to eventually feel like an inevitable part of me. I even started abusing sleeping medication and alcohol in the past few months in an attempt to push myself over the edge. I've accepted that it's the way I WILL die and I have no problems with that.
I was wondering if anybody else experiences suicidal ideation more as an intrusive impulse than an escape from some kind of suffering. Or maybe you experience both.
I'm a 19 year old illustration student and I've experienced 6 aborted suicide attempts in the last 4 months, ranging from being on the rails until the last minute to not even getting out of bed on my planned date.
I've been suicidal since I was 11, as-well as struggling with bipolar disorder, autism, self harm and intrusive thoughts.
I'm in a weird spot right now where I'm kind of… worn out from so many attempts. I just feel flat and I can't be bothered to try again right now, but I'm not feeling any better. Honestly, it's really confusing in general. I'm quite depressed with no good reason, I have a good family (though they're not that supportive of my mental health) and I'm in university as-well as having friends here and there.
Everything still just feels like too much or too little. My life isn't bad, but I seem to be quite a nitpick haha. I guess I should learn that depression doesn't always have a cause or reason.
It doesn't really make sense for me to be suicidal is what I'm trying to say, but I'm also not really trying to fight it. I think it's just some weird urge/impulse that started to eventually feel like an inevitable part of me. I even started abusing sleeping medication and alcohol in the past few months in an attempt to push myself over the edge. I've accepted that it's the way I WILL die and I have no problems with that.
I was wondering if anybody else experiences suicidal ideation more as an intrusive impulse than an escape from some kind of suffering. Or maybe you experience both.
