Venting Cheating leading to CTB

[RedFruit]

So I was cheated on by my partner last June. I thought everything was going well until he started acting weird and then his location was at his exes house and he didn't answer for the whole night. the next morning he called and told me he slept with her and that he knows it was wrong. he was drunk and apparently doesn't know why he did it. i don't even know why he still wants to be with me after it. we've taken many breaks on and off, but i ultimately keep coming back. no matter if im with him or not, this situation has caused me to want to CTB more than anything else. i don't know what to do anymore. i love him, but there's also many things wrong with our relationship. i've done many things to try to get over the cheating, but nothing has worked. i just feel like my life has come to a point where i can't move. im stuck no matter what i do.
im just stuck with the sadness knowing i'll never feel pretty. i already had issues loving myself before this and now i feel like it's impossible. i don't know how ill sleep tonight anymore. we were on facetime but he fell asleep but my brain tells me that he snuck over to his exes house and left the phone there. it's not like i can see him since it's pitch black. i tried to tell him goodnight but he didn't answer and i didn't hear any breathing on the other end. these are the stupid thoughts i have to be plagued with now.

 

[Topaz111]

I was cheated on last year too. It really destroyed me in so many ways and I think most people underestimate just how horrible and damaging it can be, especially if you already had low self esteem. I don't want to cross any boundaries and I don't know you, but I really don't think it's possible to stay with a cheater and be mentally okay with it, maybe there are some 0,1% unicorn cases, but usually people will never feel the same and trust their partner, it will only lead to paranoia and feelings of inferiority. I tried to stay too, but thankfully I was able to leave after a few weeks because the physical effects of anxiety were destroying me. The longer you are apart the easier it gets. It is really brutal though and completely valid to feel this way. I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserved better.