I'm ticked off after trying to commit CTB today. I can never succeed at partial hanging no matter how hard I try. I've tried using a necktie since that's the only good ligature I even own. There's a thick cable that I thought would be good for full suspension but now my sperm donor never leaves the house at all because I asked him to let me CTB after having failed sneaking around for a while and now he never leaves the house without dragging me along because he's afraid I'll do it. So that won't work because it would make too much noise. I can't mail anything to the house either and can't get it through the post office because I can't drive. I've tried so hard to CTB over the past year but I can't even go to the store to pick up basic materials and have tried to make do with what we have at home.
I've tried with a belt, but it was too short to wrap around my neck and tie around something else. I've tried with bedsheets which was very... not very good. But every time I tie the necktie to the clothing rack in my closet, I try to pull on it, I try to stand straight up and fall forward, I choke but don't fall unconscious. I try to stand straight up and fall backward, I don't choke but I still don't go unconscious. Sometimes the tie even comes undone when I try to do it and once I just fell to the floor because of that. I didn't think it should happen because I thought I did the clove hitch knot correctly but it happened. I've tried kneeling and I've tried kicking my legs out in front of me, nothing gets me unconscious. I've tried so hard to kill myself over a long term period and in a sane world that would be proof enough that this isn't temporary irrationality to me, but still people keep saying "go talk to a therapist" or "move out of your house" like I haven't thought of that already. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of having to do everything myself and getting basically told to feck off every time I try to ask for help. Therapists haven't helped and nobody will pay me enough to let me move out of home so.... I can't even take walks anymore to hang myself from a tree.
My only hope of being able to CTB is being able to succeed at partial hanging and I've tried to look at the thread but it's so long and it's hard to pick out information I need. Can somebody please help me figure out how to go unconscious and then die with this method? I really would prefer to do this rather than something worse... I really don't want to have to resort to wrist cutting. Please help me figure out how to die.
I've tried with a belt, but it was too short to wrap around my neck and tie around something else. I've tried with bedsheets which was very... not very good. But every time I tie the necktie to the clothing rack in my closet, I try to pull on it, I try to stand straight up and fall forward, I choke but don't fall unconscious. I try to stand straight up and fall backward, I don't choke but I still don't go unconscious. Sometimes the tie even comes undone when I try to do it and once I just fell to the floor because of that. I didn't think it should happen because I thought I did the clove hitch knot correctly but it happened. I've tried kneeling and I've tried kicking my legs out in front of me, nothing gets me unconscious. I've tried so hard to kill myself over a long term period and in a sane world that would be proof enough that this isn't temporary irrationality to me, but still people keep saying "go talk to a therapist" or "move out of your house" like I haven't thought of that already. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of having to do everything myself and getting basically told to feck off every time I try to ask for help. Therapists haven't helped and nobody will pay me enough to let me move out of home so.... I can't even take walks anymore to hang myself from a tree.
My only hope of being able to CTB is being able to succeed at partial hanging and I've tried to look at the thread but it's so long and it's hard to pick out information I need. Can somebody please help me figure out how to go unconscious and then die with this method? I really would prefer to do this rather than something worse... I really don't want to have to resort to wrist cutting. Please help me figure out how to die.
