Being forced into CTB...

[BigGimpin]

I havent yet set up a "plan" to hop on the bus just yet, I do have my N from D but never set a date/time for it. My doctor may have forced my hand into action earlier than expected. For those that do not know, I am 52 and suffer from acute chronic pain from a Spinal Cord Injury. I have been in a wheelchair for 37 years. I put my body through a lot of abuse when I was younger, from jumping my wheelchair down flights of stairs to racing off road cars. I lived a full life until I hit my 30's and the pain started, here we are years later and the pain has taken me down a wicked road, from having a doctor force feeding my opiods to then trying to strip me of them. the roller coaster from hell!

So forwarding to present day, my body is shutting down, I have severe atrophy in my lower body and neuropathic pain that I can only describe it as imagine being lowered into a pool of hot lava and the flesh dripping from your bones, it is pure HELL and medications dont even touch it. I cant take it anymore, I am practically bed ridden, but even laying in bed HURTS!! So I cant lie in bed and get comfortable, and sitting up in my wheelchair only causes more PAIN.

I havent slept in 6 days, when I close my eyes bolts of lightning shoot down my legs..it is unbearable. I have taken a months supply of Oxy in just 5 days, pain medication no longer works. Got so frustrated last night about 11pm that I had doordash deliver me a 12 pack of beer, its 9am and im drinking the last one. I need to somehow get a little bit of sleep so I can figure out a game plan.

I wanted to start a thread earlier about physical pain vs Mental illness, but never got around it. My lame ass doctor keeps telling me that I need to see a psychiatrist to deal with my pain. No you DUMBASS my pain is 95% psycial! and its your job to sort these out. My brain is still sharp as a tack, its my body that is failing me.

To conclude, April 5th is coming up here real soon, my two favorite artists lost their lives on that date. Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley. I idolize them both! Especially Layne, and my best cat ever Tyvin had to be put down on this date. I never even thought about a date until now,, do I get my affairs together or just fucking spontaneously crack open both bottles of N and chug it?

Holy shit, didnt expect this to get TLDR. Sorry! I wont be bummed out if this gets only a few replies, just needed to get this out.

I love you all.

Here is my cat Ty, I miss him every day.
-Scottie

 

[lifecouldbedream]

I believe that cases like yours are good examples of why assisted suicide should be practiced more. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[houseofleaves]

Can't imagine what living is like for you, must be hell… So sorry. I wish you to find relief from this awful pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you have to go through, it must be unbearable. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I am so sorry that life has been so unkind to you. And I understand your reasons. Whatever decision you make, don't make it suddenly. It's a decision too important to be made impulsively and it would be good to get your affairs in order. Your cat was beautiful. At what age did he die? My cat is my best friend and she is about to turn 15.

 

[BigGimpin]

At what age did he die?

19! Thank you

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

19! Thank you

Amazing :)

 

[Cathy Ames]

I wanted to start a thread earlier about physical pain vs Mental illness, but never got around it. My lame ass doctor keeps telling me that I need to see a psychiatrist to deal with my pain. No you DUMBASS my pain is 95% psycial! and its your job to sort these out. My brain is still sharp as a tack, its my body that is failing me.

To conclude, April 5th is coming up here real soon, my two favorite artists lost their lives on that date. Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley. I idolize them both! Especially Layne, and my best cat ever Tyvin had to be put down on this date. I never even thought about a date until now,, do I get my affairs together or just fucking spontaneously crack open both bottles of N and chug it?

Holy shit, didnt expect this to get TLDR. Sorry! I wont be bummed out if this gets only a few replies, just needed to get this out.

I love you all.

Here is my cat Ty, I miss him every day.
-ScottieView attachment 89515

If you would be interested in sticking around for a while longer (what with your mind still being sharp as a tack and all), perhaps you COULD go see the psychiatrist and have your complete medical record sent to them. Those guys have medical degrees. It seems like it might be possible for a psychiatrist to refer you to a pain clinic that will actually treat you. I could be wrong, but maybe?

 

[BigGimpin]

refer you to a pain clinic that will actually treat you.

I have been to 3 pain clinics in the last 4 months. They all say the same thing. "You have the spine of a 90 year old." and then order more opioids, which then my general practitioner says I shouldn't be taking that much pain medicine. Fuck that guy! he has NO CLUE what I am going through.

Dont know how much time I have left.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I have been to 3 pain clinics in the last 4 months. They all say the same thing. "You have the spine of a 90 year old." and then order more opioids, which then my general practitioner says I shouldn't be taking that much pain medicine. Fuck that guy! he has NO CLUE what I am going through.

Dont know how much time I have left.

I'm so sorry. It's so unfair, and it makes me very angry on your behalf.

 

[BigGimpin]

This is what my spine looks like:

 

[NSA]

Black kitty! Mine likes to lay like that too lol.

I assume you're in the US? Drug laws here are completely fucked. Docs are too scared of the fucking DEA to do their jobs.

Fwiw there is some evidence that therapies like mindfulness, CBT, etc can help with some kinds of pain. Also certain antidepressants are rumored to help with it too. My parent who has chronic pain says that theirs do that. Can't imagine it touching what you're going through with a 1000ft pole, but you never know I guess?

Looking at your other posts, you've done some awsome shit despite your condition. It's up to you if/when you want to go, but I'd say you've definetly "earned" it. Putting your affairs in order will make whoever you leave behind's life easier, if you care about that.

 

[Dot]

In a similar situation, and for me, I truly believe in a quality versus quantity of life scenario, for me anyway. Our animals get more end of life care and compassion than we do..

I also love Layne and Kurt. Scott is gone, Chris is gone…. Dolores O'Riordan, Whitney, George Michael…. Now Taylor. Hope he's playing with Neil. Gen X is a fragile group.

I'm going to try everything before I make the final call. But the urge to chug is more than real

Nt knw if u r fn of Chstr bt fl lke h/ dservs mentn also

Srry thngs hve gt s/ bd o.p

 

[BigGimpin]

Nt knw if u r fn of Chstr bt fl lke h/ dservs mentn also

Srry thngs hve gt s/ bd o.p

LOL Damn that is a mind bender on a no sleep for 5 days brain.

 

[jimmy7754]

This is what my spine looks like:

View attachment 89518

I'm a massage therapist and these cases are so hard to see..

 

[indigomoon]

This is what my spine looks like:

View attachment 89518

Wow! I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I have no words. But I do have a suggestion. First off, I would get a new doctor. The one you have is a narrow minded shithead. I know that is easier said than done sometimes. Second, has anyone considered doing a chronic nerve block or a radiofrequency ablation? Both are non-surgical options for pain control.

 

[Dot]

LOL Damn that is a mind bender on a no sleep for 5 days brain.

Gd lck ha

 

[Ticket 2 Heaven]

Ty is a very special kitty. I can tell from the photo.

 

[Cathy Ames]

LOL Damn that is a mind bender on a no sleep for 5 days brain.

I think Dot was asking whether you are a fan of Chester Bennington, saying he deserves mention.

 

[BigGimpin]

My 80yr old mom came out and sat with me for awhile and I finally told her my plans. She knows I cannot live in this pain anymore, but she also doesnt want to lose me. She wants to be there when I do it, how many mothers can handle that? She is an amazing lady.

Still no hard date set, but damn I really dont want to go through yet another sleepless night!

There is a lot in the world I want to be around to see, but my physical pain is just too much to endure.

I dont have a syringe to taste test my N, would love to just take a sample and just enough so I could get some rest tonight. I can count on one hand the number of nights I have slept this month.

Loving the support I have found here, it has been wonderful to share thoughts and feeling with people on such a touchy subject.

I have yet to decide how I am going to say goodbye to all the friends I have met online for so many years. I worked for one of the biggest Motorcycle racing websites for going on like 15 years and have a huge following, would like to post something on the forum to say goodbye, just havent decided what to say. Its hard because a lot of people there really supported me and look up to me on there.

Same with leaving a note, I should probably type up something...damn its really getting close. Going to try and enjoy a basketball game on TV this evening to take my mind off from things.

Thank you all.

 

[_Seeking]

I have a neurological pain condition so I know how hard it is when all you want is pain relief but there isn't anything that is helping. It makes it hard to focus on making the proper preparations to get your affairs in order and writing notes to everyone you care about.

Ty was a very handsome kitty, he was lucky to have had you looking out for him.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I also want to CTB due to neuropathy. I'm all too familiar with the intense burning and electric bolt type pain. Oxy never worked for me, only stuff like Lyrica, but even that stopped working a few months ago. I wish there were more effective treatments for this shit. I need this pain to stop, but medicine is still in the dark when it comes to nerve pain. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.

 

[BigGimpin]

but medicine is still in the dark when it comes to nerve pain.

Couple years back I talked with a spinal surgeon from Stanford, he said if there was one thing he wishes he could accomplish in his life's work, it would be solving neuropathic in SCI patients.

 

[downndone2]

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you're enduring. Maybe a new general practitioner and a good pain clinic. Hopefully, theyll start developing some new treatments for nerve pain in the coming years.
However it works out, I hope you find relief.
Sounds like you have a very supportive and amazing mother.
I'm sorry about your kitty, Ty looks like he was an amazing cat.

I suffer with neuropathic pain as well, had to come off an anti-depressant cold turkey when it started making me sick, which helped with the pain. Then I had terrible withdrawal that threw me into mania for 6 months and I lost soooo much during that time. So, the last few years have been physical pain and mental anguish.
Gabapentin helps some with my nerve pain but still usually feels like in on hot coals all the time.
I havent obtained the means and dont have the guts yet to ctb but I feel like I get closer everyday.
I have 2 amazing grown kids and 2 awesome dogs that cause my heart hurt to think of leaving behind
And of course, now im waiting on my life insurance suicide and contestibility clause to be over.

 

[BigGimpin]

Gabapentin helps some with my nerve pain

Yeah I have tried them all, Gaba, Lyrica, Cymbalta, just about everything. I have a weird system and SSRI's mess me up really bad. The pain was causing me to lose sleep, so when I first tried a Benzo (Xanax) I was like WHOA!! The pain is almost gone. This was years ago, so my Dr was pumping me full of Xanax opioids and just kept increasing them more and more. Its the same old story, you need more and more as time goes by. Then in I think 2017? When the whole "opioid crisis" hit, my doctor says I have to stop. It was pure hell! That was not a fun time.

Anyway, I am rambling, its going to be yet another long fucking night. This will be I think night 6 without a wink, wish I had a cold one....

 

[downndone2]

Yes, our opioid laws are ridiculous for people with chronic unrelenting pain. Are you treating at a pain clinic? What state are you in? Some meds just dont work on some people. The SSRI I was taking was prescribed for menopause and I didnt realize how much it was helping with my nerve pain until I came off it cold turkey and was absolutely miserable. Gaba helps me but not as much as it once did.
I use a lot of topical stuff too. For now, my issues are mainly my feet and lower legs in regards to nerve pain. I have some issues with my back, neck, and hip. But no surgeries to date for me.
And damn, the diagnostic of of your spine you shared is quite impressive. I cannot begin to imagine the spine and neuro pain you are experiencing

 

[Cathy Ames]

There should be a way to get syringes! Maybe a farm store? Maybe a pharmacist would sell you some insulin syringes?
It looks like over the counter syringes are legal in some US states (if you are in the US).

 

[BigGimpin]

Im not having any luck and on amazon they all come in packs, shit I only need 1 lol

From @downndone2 earlier post:

What state are you in?

Im in Northern California, Redding to be exact.

Are you treating at a pain clinic?

I have both a primary care DR and a pain management DR.

I think I actually got at least one hour of sleep last night, at this point Ill take any I can get.

One other thing that is really bothering me is, the online community that I use to run did a fundraiser for me just two weeks ago and raised 10k so I could get a new wheelchair. Looks like that $$$ will be for a funeral instead. Uugh how the hell did I get here?

I was watching a basketball game last night and I started thinking how I wont be here to see how the Warriors finish the season. Dont know how I let such little things bother me so much.

...im rambling again.

 

[wljourney]

Yeah I have tried them all, Gaba, Lyrica, Cymbalta, just about everything. I have a weird system and SSRI's mess me up really bad. The pain was causing me to lose sleep, so when I first tried a Benzo (Xanax) I was like WHOA!! The pain is almost gone. This was years ago, so my Dr was pumping me full of Xanax opioids and just kept increasing them more and more. Its the same old story, you need more and more as time goes by. Then in I think 2017? When the whole "opioid crisis" hit, my doctor says I have to stop. It was pure hell! That was not a fun time.

Anyway, I am rambling, its going to be yet another long fucking night. This will be I think night 6 without a wink, wish I had a cold one....

It's really awful how the opioid crisis has slammed the door into everyone's face who are relying on appropriate pain management.

My GP put me on very (!!) low doses of Lorazepam (Ativan) but then refused to Rx it unless I kept seeing her in person once a month.
A 3 hr trip (one way). Through heavy traffic. With PTSD after an accident.
She knew all this.

And when I managed to get there (shaking and sweating from driving) she assumed I was just really addicted to Ativan.

Doctors… honestly… is there a mega thread on poor experiences with MDs? There should be…
Hey Scottie,
I was just wondering if the most recent change in Oregon to their right to die/medically assisted suicide law would make access easier for you.

Let me go find the article.
As I understand they scrapped the requirement of being a resident in the state.

Ahh… but I see now, this only offers help to terminally ill patients. I am afraid that won't help.

Sending hugs.
B

 

[downndone2]

Im not having any luck and on amazon they all come in packs, shit I only need 1 lol

From @downndone2 earlier post:



Im in Northern California, Redding to be exact.


I have both a primary care DR and a pain management DR.

I think I actually got at least one hour of sleep last night, at this point Ill take any I can get.

One other thing that is really bothering me is, the online community that I use to run did a fundraiser for me just two weeks ago and raised 10k so I could get a new wheelchair. Looks like that $$$ will be for a funeral instead. Uugh how the hell did I get here?

I was watching a basketball game last night and I started thinking how I wont be here to see how the Warriors finish the season. Dont know how I let such little things bother me so much.

...im rambling again.

Maybe getting thru the playoffs is something you should do. I know you're suffering but it seems like if you can find treatments that would work you do want to live?

Can you get a new primary care? That seems to be your biggest obstacle. Might even ask the pain mgmt clinic who they would recommend. Is the pain mgmt clinic still prescribing you opioids and benzodiazepines?

Have you explored or trialed a baclofen pump? Have they ever discussed radiofrequency ablation (RFA)? You might not be a candidate for RFA. Just thinking of some possible options in addition to medication you're on. I'm a Nurse and also suffer from prior back injury, although certainly not on your level.

.Also, if you need syringes you most likely can pick up some at a local feed store or get a bag of 10 insulin syringes at walmart pharmacy. I didnt go back thru all the comments, I assume it is for testing?

Whatever you choose, I do hope you get some relief and peaceful rest.

Maybe getting thru the playoffs is something you should do. I know you're suffering but it seems like if you can find treatments that would work you do want to live?

Can you get a new primary care? That seems to be your biggest obstacle. Might even ask the pain mgmt clinic who they would recommend. Is the pain mgmt clinic still prescribing you opioids and benzodiazepines?

Have you explored or trialed a baclofen pump? Have they ever discussed radiofrequency ablation (RFA)? You might not be a candidate for RFA. Just thinking of some possible options in addition to medication you're on. I'm a Nurse and also suffer from prior back injury, although certainly not on your level.

.Also, if you need syringes you most likely can pick up some at a local feed store or get a bag of 10 insulin syringes at walmart pharmacy. I didnt go back thru all the comments, I assume it is for testing?

Whatever you choose, I do hope you get some relief and peaceful rest.

Also have you tried marijuana in addition to current regime? In addition to smoking a big fat doobie, they have all sorts of ways to administer and many different creams. I'm sure you are aware if in CA