Back Again...

[Seafoam]

Hey all,

I thought I was going to be okay and I sort of was for awhile but now I'm here again. I don't think I can live a full happy life knowing that I'm going to be on a suicidal merry go round forever. I tried therapy, listend to all of the advice given, pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, and took medication. I tried. I don't think I can anymore though. I feel so empty now. Can't enjoy anything. it's hard being optimistic about things when I've been through this on and off for years. If I'm eventually going to die why put myself through anymore heartache? I know I'll be hurting my friends and family but I can barely force myself to be happy around them and I see that its causing strain. I love them but I can't even properly show it and keep pushing them away so they don't have to see me like this. It takes so much energy to pretend to be okay. I want to leave before I mess up anymore.

I can't keep up anymore. Ironically, last year I purchased SN but it got lost in the mail and I never got it. I took it as a sign from God to keep living. I think I was just scared. Suicide is scary. But I don't have it in me to keep on living in limbo. So, here's to hoping I can actually end things this time. I'm technically young (24) and a lot of people around me keep saying that I have things to look forward to and experiences to make. But I've been told that since I was a teen and I'm still like this, so who knows how well that advice actually holds up. I want rest.

Thanks for reading

 

[WornOutLife]

Welcome back!

Well, I'm sorry you're going through a lot but at least you seeked help and that's good!
Just try to keep on looking for a solution. I know it's hard when we give up. Also, depression doesn't help at all. It just drains our energy.

Living is a daily struggle.

 

[orlandom]

Welcome back!

Well, I'm sorry you're going through a lot but at least you seeked help and that's good!
Just try to keep on looking for a solution. I know it's hard when we give up. Also, depression doesn't help at all. It just drains our energy.

Living is a daily struggle.

Life is happiness and pleasure when you are in love and in your healthy world.

 

[hahabye]

suicidal merry go round

I feel this... And everything else that you wrote. Same exact situation here, although I am already at the ripe age of 25.

I also feel exhausted by all of this pretending, while feeling so numb and tired inside. I don't think it is fair for anyone who has not experienced feeling this way to be saying "that there is still so much to experience". The exhaustion is just too much to handle and resting for eternity seems like a way more temping option than any other experience.

 

[Seafoam]

I am already at the ripe age of 25.

Glad you can relate! It's crazy that technically we're young yet feel so old. I guess we're "old" young people. I don't have many people around me who understand just how exhausting it is to keep face and pretend to be someone I'm not. Especially around other high functioning non-suicidal people. I feel like a puppet.

 

[hahabye]

Ugh exactly... It's very sad how society evolved quickly enough to bring up so many stressed, depressed, and anxious young "old" people, as you say, but not quickly enough to enable people to talk about/understand (the desire to commit) suicide. The constant play-pretend is indeed so exhausting. Maybe we'd feel much more our age if putting on an act wasn't so exhausting.

haha sorry for the rant, I get overly excited when I find people who feel the same way as I do

 

[sunsetintehwoods]

Hello again!

Sorry to hear that, but I can relate that feeling. Just take your own time and pace.

Love your vewn-cat avavtar btw

 

[Seafoam]

Sorry for the late reply. I got pretty high after I made my post and checked out. Thanks for replying everyone. I'm so glad that a website like this exists for this kind of stuff. I forgot how nice it feels to communicate with people who get it. You guys are great!

I get overly excited when I find people who feel the same way as I do

Speaking straight facts lol!

Love your vewn-cat avavtar btw

Haha thank you. Watching her animations is very soothing for me.