Hollowillow
I want throat hugs & anime! Can't use chat pm me
- Aug 7, 2022
- 1,499
It's too long to tell each of my friends by PM, but I treasure all of you. Even when I'm too scared to reply you something dumb & lose your friendship, even though I don't know how to use the chat... I deeply appreciate you.
In the last 2 days... I lived so many traumas. Each one was enough to make me kill myself. But I had several.
It started with Jacynthe. I wanted to be her friend because she was raised by narcissists, like my mom... But I found that she became a manipulative sadistic narc too... Instead to be a victim against it.
Gaslight is when someone invalidate your perceptions, emotions, judgement, personality...
Triangulation is when they bring a 3rd person to manipulate you into compliance. She mastered that, it was new to me.
The first & only time I visited her, she invited me to meet her friend, a nurse, saying that she can help me figure out how to remove the toxic ckeaner that I'm violently allergic to. In agony since months. Mocked as "just in my head" when I went to the hospital 4 times with purple gands, swollen tongue, red bumps all over... Worse pain inside. Nausea, dizziness, muscke weakness, confusion... All signs of poison.
But once at her place, they bullied me, ganged on me, mocked my pain. I wasn't crying, but the nurse put her fists near her eyes, twisting them, pretending to cry "uuu uuu I'm in pain" mocking me. Saying with extreme disdain & sadism "the poison is in your head". I showed her photos "hm... Your heart & kidneys seem to be shutting down". And she kept mocking me. My friend didn't defend me, claiming that it's a nirmal psychologist protocol. None of them was one. If I was paying 150$ an hour for a therapist and she immitated cries like a 5 years old bully, she wouldn't get paid, she'd get punched.
She invited me to meet a new friend for me. But demanded that I'd be 100% positive & say nothing negative, don't mention that I'm sick. My skin peels off my face, I get spasms, I can barely sit... There is no fucking way I can fake happiness. I shouldn't have to!!! It was suffocating pressure, deshumanizing, humiliating. I'm bed ridden in agony. I can't even get out for groceries... She didn't want to help me make a friend, she wanted to show off perfection, someone I'm not! It was at a center for people with mental health problems! If I'm unworthy to ecpress pain & sadness among depressed psychotic people, then I can't show my face to anyone! So she made me unable to go out & go there... A worker told me to be positive when I asked for help too. Fucking deshumanizing. Damn positivity psychosis! I need to get real!!!
She kept insisting to meet her friends instead to simply come visit me & invite me to her place... Yesterday I understood why. Triangulation. She's a jeovah withness & refused to stop harassing me to join. She thought she could break me if she ganged on me with another person from her sect. Promising friendship to bully & steal my soul for her god... I wish it was a joke...
Yesterday I offered to help pay for her gas if she comes pick me up to go together at the... daycare for crazy people... She wanted me to walk 15 minutes to a parking lot instead to bother finding my street. It was on her way, no need for a detour. I told her that I'm too sick to walk there to get food, I could get hit by another car, I have phobia the way she fear the bus... I hoped she's understand adsault traumas but she screamed "I can't come to pick you by the hand!" Which is very humiliating & childish. So I replied "Yes, I'm sick, I can bately walk, I need you to hold my hand!" Then added "you always tell me about how your friend come pick you up AT HOME to help you, I need you to do it for me.
She replied... "You don't deserve help. I do, because I bought them a lot if stuff when I had a job, I do volunteer work and I believe in god. But you don't. Did you volunteer, hmmm did you!?"
I said yes I did. They exploited me & were mean to me so I stopped.
I understood that people didn't help her with love & kindness. She manipulated them with guilt trips saying that they owe her... That's not friendship.
I don't need to deserve kindness. Kindness is who people are, not a reward. She was a sadist.
She told me about her traumas, her ex stabbing her cat. But called me too negative if I did... It was all about her. She was delighted in my suffering.
When I was too dick to cook & get groceries, I didn't eat for 2 days. Instead to bring me food, she bragged about how HER friends brings her food all the time, that I don't because I wasn't kind to my neighboors, didn't bring them food... Reproaches & humiliations instead to act like a worried friend and bring me food herself. To return the favors to people worse off...
When she actually said out loud that I don't deserve help, instead of more subtle mental destruction... I snapped. I told her to apoligize & respect me if she didn't want to lose a friend. She never did. I stead she asked me who is the woman who give me social support at the "daycare". It took me off guard... So I told her...
She called my sort of social worker pretending that she was SO worried about me. Looking like a saint. If she was, she would have come to see me. If I was such a crazy maniac, she'd call the cops.
So when the worker came to my home meeting later that day... I told her once again how she did psychological violence to me... But she replied "no, she's a good friend, she called me and was worried."
Calling my therapist was manipulative mind fuck control freak bulkshit.
But my therapust gladly breaking confudentiality laws without my conscent... With someone I told her was cruel to me ... Was an extreme betrayal.
Narcissists use "flying monkeys" to do their dirty work, like the witch in oz. When I tried to break free from another psycho years ago, he sent all oyr common friends to shame me & guilt trip me, to forgive him in the name of peace, without him needing to apologize & stop hurting me... Just come back & endure because you don't deserve better & you're the wrong one destroying our perfect happy illusion.
She used my therapust against me to shame me that she's a good friend and I'm wrong to demand an apology & respect. She never did. I called her enraged screaming to back off my therapist, she has no business invading that with her bullshit. She claimed that I needed therapy to learn to be more pleasant to others & never apologuzed fir saying that I don't deserve help.
My therapist never said that it was mean, wrong, and that I deserve help... That she'll help me, that I can trust her.
Instead, when my therapist called this morning, it was to gaslight me, that I deformed what she said, I said I heard perfectly and told her before to stop defending my agressors by seeing positivity where there is only violence. She kept saying that I deform her words & hanged on me. The very fact that she agreed to speak with strangers without my conscent us proif of her betrayal. She never agreed to never do it again & respect my hurt feelings, my boundaries. She gaslighted me & hanged on me when I was in clear distress. Cruel butch with a soft voice. Just fake kindness, a facade. Heartless ignorant bitch. It doesn't matter her intent. It hurt me, I need her to stop. But she refused to acknowledge reality & my feelings... Invalidated them, as if I was psychotic. When she's the one not facing reality. The pain she does. The error she does. It's MY life. If I don't have a say about how I'm treated by my own therapist, if I can't stop their accidental & deliberate psychological violence... Then therapy us worse than nothing in total isolation. Worse help than death. I loathe her.
To be told by my own friend that I don't deserve help .. and be told by my own therapist that my agressors are good and I'm therefore unworthy of better respect... It did massive psychological damage... Hard enough to change who I am, how I view life, people... Never trust friends & help again
So for 2 days nonstop I called all social services I could find repeatedly.
Trauma deepened to extremes
The worst was Social Urgences. People sent them with the cops when I called for help. I begged them to help me get a food delivery service for poor disabled people. I was too sick to make foid. Ate raw eggs, didn't eat fir 2 days. Lost more than 20 pounds. She didn't give a fuck that I was dying of starvation as long as I didn't try to free myself from agony with suicide. She refused to help me, left me to starve with a satisfied arrogant smile. I wasn't suicidal before they came, my goal was to get help to eat... I had money I was just disabled... I had the right to a social service, they denied me... So I fucking hanged myself! Right when they left. Sadly failed. They had 1 job, prevent suicide. They caused one. Fucking useless heatless monsters.
So yesterday I called them myself for a change. Telling them that it's urgent that I get a real therapist, not just some baby guardian in daycare with zero psychology training, when I'm a extremely heavy case with several extreme trauma, criminal act, crippling car accident. 3 references from psychiatrists... Ridiculous that I get such ignorant person months & years later... They refused to give any help, said I'm autonomous and to do everything by myself.
I called back. I asked what would it rake to show that I'm not autonomous and really do need help. They threatened to sue me in court if I ever call again, saying that I call for no reason.
People sent them to me by firce against my will dozens of times!! I was beaten so hard I could barely walk fir months, several sexual assault, hit by a car... They claim that I have a severe personality disorder (no I have trauma! Stop blaming the victim!) All that agony but zero reason to call for help!? So convinced that I don't deserve help that they think it's CRIMINAL of me to even ask! Worthy to take me to court. Not the men who beat me, the police said I deserved it. Not pedophiles, the police called me a liar. No. Me. For begging to get food & therapy!
My 4th personality is a psychopath cannibal. I would love them to meet him.
Oh! Jacynthe did! I called her & left a message that I hate her & understand why her ex tried to kill her. With murder in my voice. That narc psychopath gave up her prey & stopped using me as a punching bag right away. With 1 last stab saying rhat I'm the one who need to learn kindness... Not her sadistic ass. She told me to get help. I texted back that she's a narcissist & no one can help her. I hope her ex finds her
I changed my name. When I called a pkace that do trauma therapy... They called me back with so much warmth, love & respect... Gave me an appointment right away. But when they found out that I changed my name & who I was... They cancelled my appointment, became cold & disgusted, said the admin will call me back (they never did months ago)... In the muddle of covid I insisted to meet face to face (I had no devices for zoom) and without mask due to a doctor exemption. They denied me services instead to accomodate my handicap. They abandonned me, a victim of criminal act... Over a mask... They could gave met me outside at 6 meters apart... They left me to be tortured by traumas, without help to get justice... Treated me like a criminal... With disdain...
I saw that I'm not being treated normal, not fairly... Denied service. I get it right away... And when they know it's me they cancel & blame me for not saying my old name... Instead to apologize for the discrimination.
After being betrayed by a friend, therapist, trauma center after desperately needing it for decades... my conclusion of 2 days of calling for help is... Yes suicide is the best answer. Better than ask for help that will never come... That doesn't exist. Because people are sadistic monsters.
I called the suicide hotline & all her recommendations wete bullshit. Groups that were not for me (support for the family of the crazy, not the crazy themselves...) She said to complain about abuse by a social worker at the police, they said it's not breaking the law, called me insane... Sent the cops... I told the suicide hitline that she was wrong but she said that I don't cooperate... So I did to prove her wrong.
I showed me that even those who wish to help can't. They work in social cate but don't care enough to know ressources.
The suicide hotline say they're not a lustening hotline, they only call the Cops if I'm in the muddle of a suicide. If I lost the will to live & need encouragements, they don't give a fuck. I called a line to talk. The girl panicked, said my case is too much for her, hanged on me. 2nd guy spoke so slowly it took him 5 minutes to say a short phrase (lits of euuuh and hmmmm) and it was like talking to a wall fir 1h then he said the time is over. No conversation, no feedback, no empathy, no encouragements, no solutions, no valudation... It's like talking to robots.
Here... I can feel the compassion. Thank you.
So... My beloved people... I am definively pro murder...
Did I mention that a security guard beat me to a pulp, legs covered in blood, because I begged to catch my breath without a mask alone oyrsude between bus transfer... the cops said I deserve it...
I deserve to be beaten... But if I call for help I'm threatened to be taken to court.
I pray for a real plague. A mix of the black one, tuberculosis & aids. Mixed with the flu to spread better I guess. People would explode with blood, dropping dead in the streets.
I wished for it. Covid is a deep dissapointment... Same deaths as the annual flu, merely more advertised to sell vaccines...
But malnutrition & insalubrity is what caused the real plagues... If we have one now... The way we live is wrong.
It takes vitamin b & c to make blood cells. Antibodies are blood cells. Injecting disessrs to force their constant production exhaust body reserves. What we need is the capacity to make antibodies with nutrition. If you have antibodies, it's a proof of assault, not health. Injecting viruses for health killed children since the very first vax invented. But they needed false hope to get rich, and denial ... Not actual effectiveness. They get even richer if we get sick.
Remember that cure if I make my black death tuberculosis aids flu hybrid. I love you people.
I tried so hard to die of covid with my fragile lungs but I take a shit ton of vitamin C for stress & pain...
Well, hopefully the next time the governments band together, to intimidate the population into compliance to dictatorship, they will use good old fashion nukes, instead of ingeneered bio weapons with "gains of function"
Surely my vitamin C can't make me immune to nukes too
(voice in my head: yes) wait... What?
Google: "When the body is exposed to radiation, free radicals and reactive oxygen species (ROS) are produced and oxidize cell components, resulting in cell damage. Vitamin C has the potential to scavenge these radical products, thereby protecting against radiation-induced cell damage."
FUCK!
Please teach me how to die!!! *Hugs you*
In the last 2 days... I lived so many traumas. Each one was enough to make me kill myself. But I had several.
It started with Jacynthe. I wanted to be her friend because she was raised by narcissists, like my mom... But I found that she became a manipulative sadistic narc too... Instead to be a victim against it.
Gaslight is when someone invalidate your perceptions, emotions, judgement, personality...
Triangulation is when they bring a 3rd person to manipulate you into compliance. She mastered that, it was new to me.
The first & only time I visited her, she invited me to meet her friend, a nurse, saying that she can help me figure out how to remove the toxic ckeaner that I'm violently allergic to. In agony since months. Mocked as "just in my head" when I went to the hospital 4 times with purple gands, swollen tongue, red bumps all over... Worse pain inside. Nausea, dizziness, muscke weakness, confusion... All signs of poison.
But once at her place, they bullied me, ganged on me, mocked my pain. I wasn't crying, but the nurse put her fists near her eyes, twisting them, pretending to cry "uuu uuu I'm in pain" mocking me. Saying with extreme disdain & sadism "the poison is in your head". I showed her photos "hm... Your heart & kidneys seem to be shutting down". And she kept mocking me. My friend didn't defend me, claiming that it's a nirmal psychologist protocol. None of them was one. If I was paying 150$ an hour for a therapist and she immitated cries like a 5 years old bully, she wouldn't get paid, she'd get punched.
She invited me to meet a new friend for me. But demanded that I'd be 100% positive & say nothing negative, don't mention that I'm sick. My skin peels off my face, I get spasms, I can barely sit... There is no fucking way I can fake happiness. I shouldn't have to!!! It was suffocating pressure, deshumanizing, humiliating. I'm bed ridden in agony. I can't even get out for groceries... She didn't want to help me make a friend, she wanted to show off perfection, someone I'm not! It was at a center for people with mental health problems! If I'm unworthy to ecpress pain & sadness among depressed psychotic people, then I can't show my face to anyone! So she made me unable to go out & go there... A worker told me to be positive when I asked for help too. Fucking deshumanizing. Damn positivity psychosis! I need to get real!!!
She kept insisting to meet her friends instead to simply come visit me & invite me to her place... Yesterday I understood why. Triangulation. She's a jeovah withness & refused to stop harassing me to join. She thought she could break me if she ganged on me with another person from her sect. Promising friendship to bully & steal my soul for her god... I wish it was a joke...
Yesterday I offered to help pay for her gas if she comes pick me up to go together at the... daycare for crazy people... She wanted me to walk 15 minutes to a parking lot instead to bother finding my street. It was on her way, no need for a detour. I told her that I'm too sick to walk there to get food, I could get hit by another car, I have phobia the way she fear the bus... I hoped she's understand adsault traumas but she screamed "I can't come to pick you by the hand!" Which is very humiliating & childish. So I replied "Yes, I'm sick, I can bately walk, I need you to hold my hand!" Then added "you always tell me about how your friend come pick you up AT HOME to help you, I need you to do it for me.
She replied... "You don't deserve help. I do, because I bought them a lot if stuff when I had a job, I do volunteer work and I believe in god. But you don't. Did you volunteer, hmmm did you!?"
I said yes I did. They exploited me & were mean to me so I stopped.
I understood that people didn't help her with love & kindness. She manipulated them with guilt trips saying that they owe her... That's not friendship.
I don't need to deserve kindness. Kindness is who people are, not a reward. She was a sadist.
She told me about her traumas, her ex stabbing her cat. But called me too negative if I did... It was all about her. She was delighted in my suffering.
When I was too dick to cook & get groceries, I didn't eat for 2 days. Instead to bring me food, she bragged about how HER friends brings her food all the time, that I don't because I wasn't kind to my neighboors, didn't bring them food... Reproaches & humiliations instead to act like a worried friend and bring me food herself. To return the favors to people worse off...
When she actually said out loud that I don't deserve help, instead of more subtle mental destruction... I snapped. I told her to apoligize & respect me if she didn't want to lose a friend. She never did. I stead she asked me who is the woman who give me social support at the "daycare". It took me off guard... So I told her...
She called my sort of social worker pretending that she was SO worried about me. Looking like a saint. If she was, she would have come to see me. If I was such a crazy maniac, she'd call the cops.
So when the worker came to my home meeting later that day... I told her once again how she did psychological violence to me... But she replied "no, she's a good friend, she called me and was worried."
Calling my therapist was manipulative mind fuck control freak bulkshit.
But my therapust gladly breaking confudentiality laws without my conscent... With someone I told her was cruel to me ... Was an extreme betrayal.
Narcissists use "flying monkeys" to do their dirty work, like the witch in oz. When I tried to break free from another psycho years ago, he sent all oyr common friends to shame me & guilt trip me, to forgive him in the name of peace, without him needing to apologize & stop hurting me... Just come back & endure because you don't deserve better & you're the wrong one destroying our perfect happy illusion.
She used my therapust against me to shame me that she's a good friend and I'm wrong to demand an apology & respect. She never did. I called her enraged screaming to back off my therapist, she has no business invading that with her bullshit. She claimed that I needed therapy to learn to be more pleasant to others & never apologuzed fir saying that I don't deserve help.
My therapist never said that it was mean, wrong, and that I deserve help... That she'll help me, that I can trust her.
Instead, when my therapist called this morning, it was to gaslight me, that I deformed what she said, I said I heard perfectly and told her before to stop defending my agressors by seeing positivity where there is only violence. She kept saying that I deform her words & hanged on me. The very fact that she agreed to speak with strangers without my conscent us proif of her betrayal. She never agreed to never do it again & respect my hurt feelings, my boundaries. She gaslighted me & hanged on me when I was in clear distress. Cruel butch with a soft voice. Just fake kindness, a facade. Heartless ignorant bitch. It doesn't matter her intent. It hurt me, I need her to stop. But she refused to acknowledge reality & my feelings... Invalidated them, as if I was psychotic. When she's the one not facing reality. The pain she does. The error she does. It's MY life. If I don't have a say about how I'm treated by my own therapist, if I can't stop their accidental & deliberate psychological violence... Then therapy us worse than nothing in total isolation. Worse help than death. I loathe her.
To be told by my own friend that I don't deserve help .. and be told by my own therapist that my agressors are good and I'm therefore unworthy of better respect... It did massive psychological damage... Hard enough to change who I am, how I view life, people... Never trust friends & help again
So for 2 days nonstop I called all social services I could find repeatedly.
Trauma deepened to extremes
The worst was Social Urgences. People sent them with the cops when I called for help. I begged them to help me get a food delivery service for poor disabled people. I was too sick to make foid. Ate raw eggs, didn't eat fir 2 days. Lost more than 20 pounds. She didn't give a fuck that I was dying of starvation as long as I didn't try to free myself from agony with suicide. She refused to help me, left me to starve with a satisfied arrogant smile. I wasn't suicidal before they came, my goal was to get help to eat... I had money I was just disabled... I had the right to a social service, they denied me... So I fucking hanged myself! Right when they left. Sadly failed. They had 1 job, prevent suicide. They caused one. Fucking useless heatless monsters.
So yesterday I called them myself for a change. Telling them that it's urgent that I get a real therapist, not just some baby guardian in daycare with zero psychology training, when I'm a extremely heavy case with several extreme trauma, criminal act, crippling car accident. 3 references from psychiatrists... Ridiculous that I get such ignorant person months & years later... They refused to give any help, said I'm autonomous and to do everything by myself.
I called back. I asked what would it rake to show that I'm not autonomous and really do need help. They threatened to sue me in court if I ever call again, saying that I call for no reason.
People sent them to me by firce against my will dozens of times!! I was beaten so hard I could barely walk fir months, several sexual assault, hit by a car... They claim that I have a severe personality disorder (no I have trauma! Stop blaming the victim!) All that agony but zero reason to call for help!? So convinced that I don't deserve help that they think it's CRIMINAL of me to even ask! Worthy to take me to court. Not the men who beat me, the police said I deserved it. Not pedophiles, the police called me a liar. No. Me. For begging to get food & therapy!
My 4th personality is a psychopath cannibal. I would love them to meet him.
Oh! Jacynthe did! I called her & left a message that I hate her & understand why her ex tried to kill her. With murder in my voice. That narc psychopath gave up her prey & stopped using me as a punching bag right away. With 1 last stab saying rhat I'm the one who need to learn kindness... Not her sadistic ass. She told me to get help. I texted back that she's a narcissist & no one can help her. I hope her ex finds her
I changed my name. When I called a pkace that do trauma therapy... They called me back with so much warmth, love & respect... Gave me an appointment right away. But when they found out that I changed my name & who I was... They cancelled my appointment, became cold & disgusted, said the admin will call me back (they never did months ago)... In the muddle of covid I insisted to meet face to face (I had no devices for zoom) and without mask due to a doctor exemption. They denied me services instead to accomodate my handicap. They abandonned me, a victim of criminal act... Over a mask... They could gave met me outside at 6 meters apart... They left me to be tortured by traumas, without help to get justice... Treated me like a criminal... With disdain...
I saw that I'm not being treated normal, not fairly... Denied service. I get it right away... And when they know it's me they cancel & blame me for not saying my old name... Instead to apologize for the discrimination.
After being betrayed by a friend, therapist, trauma center after desperately needing it for decades... my conclusion of 2 days of calling for help is... Yes suicide is the best answer. Better than ask for help that will never come... That doesn't exist. Because people are sadistic monsters.
I called the suicide hotline & all her recommendations wete bullshit. Groups that were not for me (support for the family of the crazy, not the crazy themselves...) She said to complain about abuse by a social worker at the police, they said it's not breaking the law, called me insane... Sent the cops... I told the suicide hitline that she was wrong but she said that I don't cooperate... So I did to prove her wrong.
I showed me that even those who wish to help can't. They work in social cate but don't care enough to know ressources.
The suicide hotline say they're not a lustening hotline, they only call the Cops if I'm in the muddle of a suicide. If I lost the will to live & need encouragements, they don't give a fuck. I called a line to talk. The girl panicked, said my case is too much for her, hanged on me. 2nd guy spoke so slowly it took him 5 minutes to say a short phrase (lits of euuuh and hmmmm) and it was like talking to a wall fir 1h then he said the time is over. No conversation, no feedback, no empathy, no encouragements, no solutions, no valudation... It's like talking to robots.
Here... I can feel the compassion. Thank you.
So... My beloved people... I am definively pro murder...
Did I mention that a security guard beat me to a pulp, legs covered in blood, because I begged to catch my breath without a mask alone oyrsude between bus transfer... the cops said I deserve it...
I deserve to be beaten... But if I call for help I'm threatened to be taken to court.
I pray for a real plague. A mix of the black one, tuberculosis & aids. Mixed with the flu to spread better I guess. People would explode with blood, dropping dead in the streets.
I wished for it. Covid is a deep dissapointment... Same deaths as the annual flu, merely more advertised to sell vaccines...
But malnutrition & insalubrity is what caused the real plagues... If we have one now... The way we live is wrong.
It takes vitamin b & c to make blood cells. Antibodies are blood cells. Injecting disessrs to force their constant production exhaust body reserves. What we need is the capacity to make antibodies with nutrition. If you have antibodies, it's a proof of assault, not health. Injecting viruses for health killed children since the very first vax invented. But they needed false hope to get rich, and denial ... Not actual effectiveness. They get even richer if we get sick.
Remember that cure if I make my black death tuberculosis aids flu hybrid. I love you people.
I tried so hard to die of covid with my fragile lungs but I take a shit ton of vitamin C for stress & pain...
Well, hopefully the next time the governments band together, to intimidate the population into compliance to dictatorship, they will use good old fashion nukes, instead of ingeneered bio weapons with "gains of function"
Surely my vitamin C can't make me immune to nukes too
(voice in my head: yes) wait... What?Google: "When the body is exposed to radiation, free radicals and reactive oxygen species (ROS) are produced and oxidize cell components, resulting in cell damage. Vitamin C has the potential to scavenge these radical products, thereby protecting against radiation-induced cell damage."
FUCK!
Please teach me how to die!!! *Hugs you*
