Anybody else here want to ctb because of pain they’ve caused to others?

[Kain10th]

For instance I realize I've been a narcissistic ahole to everyone around me and feel like I ant cope with the guilt of that. There's a lot more than that but that's just one example.

 

[Arrow]

nah it's usually because people fucked with me for no good reason, but i've totally felt guilt over wronging ppl myself.

 

[Alyatl]

I tried to ctb after getting into a huge fight with a friend and they yelled at me telling me how much pain I caused everyone close to me. Except they found out I was trying to OD on naproxen (stupid, impulsive decision) and he came to make sure I was alive and actually forgave me for what I did. I told him to beat the shit out of me for revenge but he gave me a hug instead.

I dunno, I have borderline and I feel like it's my fault I'm so destructive and hurt the people I love most and I do feeling insanely guilty, I feel manipulative and chaotic and it would be better for everyone else if I just ctb. But I do realize that people care about me in spite of the pain I've caused them, and if I do go I'll bring some sort of unimaginable pain to them, and if I care so much about how I've hurt them I'd be too damn guilty to cause them to hurt more.

 

[ZardozOmega]

it is one of the reasons. i keep thinking about the people i hurt and how horrible i was to them. it is torture.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Kain10th, your comment gives me hope for you because it's very hard for someone with narcissistic traits to face themselves and admit they're wrong, or take responsibility, or try to do anything to change.

Spoiler: Unsolicited suggestions

I wonder if your actions are trauma-related, and there are modalities that could help you release the trauma(s) and change your motivations, perceptions, and actions, like EMDR, emotional freedom technique, TAT, DBT, etc.

Not trying to be pro-life with you, I respect your right to choose. I'm not happy for you that you feel such overwhelming guilt, but I'm glad that you're capable of guilt, and maybe ctb isn't the only option for alleviating it. For instance, my mom was abusive with narcissistic traits, and I've never wanted her to flagellate herself with guilt, only to face things and seek to improve so that we could have a reciprocally safe and rewarding relationship.

Just my thoughts in response to your OP, perhaps not the response you were seeking. Sending compassion.

 

[Yomyom]

Yes, in my past I made couple of terrible mistakes that I can't live with them, suicide always was my Solution, the problem is that I was religious up until 3 years ago, so I could only pray to die (and as you can see it didn't worked)

I want to live so much, but not in this kind of reality, I prefer my chances with death

 

[rebelsue]

Yep. That's one of the main reasons for me. I can't live with myself knowing how I carried on over the last 35 years. I feel humiliated and guilty and ashamed

 

[Final Escape]

Yes definitely :(" I've caused a lot of pain and frustration to people I know over the years. I feel like a bad person.

 

[rhiino]

Me too. It is not really my fault, I caused pain because of my mental problems. Still it is me causing this suffering and it is better to ctb, even though my family has to suffer one more time then.

 

[xLosthopex]

Yes and I can't live with the guilt

 

[Amnesty]

Yes yet nobody realizes they would be better off without me. :\

 

[Kumachan]

Yes, its one of the reasons. I was an complete asshole to my sweet wifey, made her cry all the time... Its not getting better for me as time passes.

 

[Bct]

Yes, this is a factor that wants me to CTB, even after some considerations regarding want to fix my life. I could atone for my mistakes but a life still won't come back. I'm also sharp-tongued and have difficulty in managing it except by staying silent (which is also problematic in some circumstances).

 

[OrdinaryDay]

This is probably the main reason why I want to leave. It's a mixture of other peoples behaviour towards me and development of this character in response to their attitude. Some people fuck you up mentally which causes changes in your character and that's what I am. I can't stand myself. Everytime I see myself in the reflection I want to stab myself to death. I only wish my loved ones wouldn't have had suffered so much from my existence. I'm probably delusional about myself and reality I live in but who wouldn't have gone insane if it's a fuck up after a fuck up?

 

[MZALA]

It's one of the many reasons...It eats me up!