Am I the only one who acts like they're fine or happy around others but alone, feel like they are an empty husk with no emotions ?? It's getting harder to keep up this persona... what does that say about me??
Putting on an act is
extremely common for people suffering from depression.
Why it's getting harder to keep up the persona: It contributes to the "self-perpetuating cycle" effect of depression because we only have a very limited amount of energy (if any at all), and it actually takes a
lot of energy to put on an act like that. So it adds to our energy drain, worsening our overall condition and using up those precious energy reserves that would be better used to do the things we need to do to try to feel better.
It also reinforces the idea that you have to put on an act just to be accepted by other people -- that people won't accept you
for you. So the more you do it, the more you feel you have to do it and the more the energy drain. And then if you didn't have any self-esteem issues at the beginning of this,
well, you certainly do now. Then before you know it, you've got full-blown anxiety going on alongside the depression. Or if anxiety was already there,
it's certainly worse now. Which then worsens the depression. Which then worsens the anxiety. This is the cyclic effect of mental health problems.
What to do about this? For you, the first thing that comes to mind is a support group. If there are any peer support groups or self-help groups that are local and accessible to you, maybe they could be a way for you to release some of this darkness inside you -- being around people who are dealing with similar issues and opening up about it.
Putting up this act all the time, it's like keeping a cork on a volcano. You really want to release some of that pressure if at all possible.
I don't take them often though. 
