cornicecream
Member
- Oct 19, 2023
- 20
Hi! Just wanted to vent. I don't know if it's alright to post these things on this site. I feel like I use this as an occasional diary/journal and im hoping im not misusing the platform in any way.
But same old problem that ive been dealing with since I started posting on here: possible trauma from being repeatedly raped and emotionally abused by my ex, and intense expectations i either put on myself or i feel my family put on me. I can't see a future where I ever escape these problems.
Ever since I was a child, ive always felt isolated and constantly seek the approval of any parental or authority figure in my life. Im the youngest of five, and was raised by a single parent with Bipolar Disorder and Clinical Depression. As much as my parent tried, they were also very overworked, overwhelmed, managing with medication, and raising five kids alone whilst never ever being financially stable. I understand that is no easy feat. But this has given me the version of them that was just exhausted and so often id get emotionally neglected or maybe bear the brunt of their outbursts. I didnt understand this as a child. Maybe my siblings didnt either until we were older. It feels strange though cos we're all adults now, yet i feel left behind in the "understanding how to take the tension at home" department. They seem to know when to take things personally or when to let it go. But whenever voices are raised at home, or footsteps are heavier, or plates and other things were set down with a stomp, i shut down. I be quiet because anything i say or express will make things worse. My emotional regulation isnt the best, and i don't think this was modelled very effectively to me as a child as ive just mentioned. But what im trying to say is ive had thoughts of wanting to ctb for as long as i could remember, and i wonder if the environment i was raised in contributed to this. I thought about slitting my wrists at 8, even before i had access to the internet or even before i was allowed to see movies that depicted that. Any outburst id have as a child that was dismissed or overly corrected made me think ididnt deserve to hurt my family even more so than they already were. I think i just wanted to feel physical pain to avert my focus.
Then i got to my preteens and was already thinking of an exit plan. I thought id get everyone to hate me by 15, work my ass off til i was 18, and use whatever money i made to give to my mom and then off myself. I started writing goodbye letters as soon as i was 13.
I met my ex when I was 16, and stuck it through til i was 21. Even as i told him it was over he forced himself on me in the shower and i just dissociated to get it over with. Shortly after, i blocked him on everything.
Im 23 now. I turn 24 soon. Obviously i didnt plan to get this far. And with that it means i didnt plan for my life at all. And so with all the feelings of isolation, loneliness, passive suicidal ideation, compounded with intense academic and career pressure, i dont know what im doing. I feel like everything is happening outside of my bubble and no one could ever see in and i couldnt ever see out. Not one single connection ive ever formed in my life feels genuine. I feel like its so easy to drop me just like that. But i dont think it matters because i do life "well". I graduated with honors, i was a straight A student all my life, i passed the boards, am starting a job soon, etc. so none of my complaints matter because im doing "okay". But this isnt me. None of it is. I dont feel real. I just want to feel real again.
I spend so long just feeling a constant buzz in the back of my head and in my chest. All the time. And a lot of my day is me trying to pull my consciousness back to the present because i constantly wander. But the buzzing doesnt stop. It feels like there is the constant want to throw up, and something is always pressing on my chest. Everything terrifies me. Just leaving my house to travel anywhere is terrifying. Parking the car, talking to people (even if its people ive known my entire life), picking a song on the radio with other people in the car, etc. and exposure therapy doesnt work. Ive been a functioning adult for yearsnow. I have my friends from high school. To any teacher or parent whos ever observed me, i was a model child that happened to wxhibit a few eccentricities. But nothing feels correct or real. But again it doesnt matter because im fine. And whatever quirks ive managed to suppress as a child, i believe are being perceived as just not off-putting enough to warrant exclusion. Some guys i talk to even find it charming when i behave out of the ordinary (my basis for this being what behavior elicits normal responses from other people ive observed growing up)
Today, i can talk to myself more clearly and understand that ctb-ing would not be good for a few reasons. One, my family. Two, its hard to find successful methods when you're broke and afraid of pain. But god do i wish i could just go.
I dont even know what im trying to say. I think im just spiraling right now like i have been my whole life. I guess i just dont know what to do anymore except just pretend i know what the fuck im doing a day at a time. I constantly feel like im performing for everyone. But i just want it all to stop. I want the show to stop. Why cant it be easy to stop. Why are our bodies hardwired to survive. If i wasnt scared of pain (to myself and to others) i wouldve jumped straight into traffic by now. But no. We care for people and we would like to hope they care for us as well. And no because our brains want our bodies to keep functioning even if it attacks us at the same time.
Im sorry for the long post. Normally id write this in the margins of whatever sketchbook i have in front of me. But im in bed now and dont wanna handwrite all this lol.
But same old problem that ive been dealing with since I started posting on here: possible trauma from being repeatedly raped and emotionally abused by my ex, and intense expectations i either put on myself or i feel my family put on me. I can't see a future where I ever escape these problems.
Ever since I was a child, ive always felt isolated and constantly seek the approval of any parental or authority figure in my life. Im the youngest of five, and was raised by a single parent with Bipolar Disorder and Clinical Depression. As much as my parent tried, they were also very overworked, overwhelmed, managing with medication, and raising five kids alone whilst never ever being financially stable. I understand that is no easy feat. But this has given me the version of them that was just exhausted and so often id get emotionally neglected or maybe bear the brunt of their outbursts. I didnt understand this as a child. Maybe my siblings didnt either until we were older. It feels strange though cos we're all adults now, yet i feel left behind in the "understanding how to take the tension at home" department. They seem to know when to take things personally or when to let it go. But whenever voices are raised at home, or footsteps are heavier, or plates and other things were set down with a stomp, i shut down. I be quiet because anything i say or express will make things worse. My emotional regulation isnt the best, and i don't think this was modelled very effectively to me as a child as ive just mentioned. But what im trying to say is ive had thoughts of wanting to ctb for as long as i could remember, and i wonder if the environment i was raised in contributed to this. I thought about slitting my wrists at 8, even before i had access to the internet or even before i was allowed to see movies that depicted that. Any outburst id have as a child that was dismissed or overly corrected made me think ididnt deserve to hurt my family even more so than they already were. I think i just wanted to feel physical pain to avert my focus.
Then i got to my preteens and was already thinking of an exit plan. I thought id get everyone to hate me by 15, work my ass off til i was 18, and use whatever money i made to give to my mom and then off myself. I started writing goodbye letters as soon as i was 13.
I met my ex when I was 16, and stuck it through til i was 21. Even as i told him it was over he forced himself on me in the shower and i just dissociated to get it over with. Shortly after, i blocked him on everything.
Im 23 now. I turn 24 soon. Obviously i didnt plan to get this far. And with that it means i didnt plan for my life at all. And so with all the feelings of isolation, loneliness, passive suicidal ideation, compounded with intense academic and career pressure, i dont know what im doing. I feel like everything is happening outside of my bubble and no one could ever see in and i couldnt ever see out. Not one single connection ive ever formed in my life feels genuine. I feel like its so easy to drop me just like that. But i dont think it matters because i do life "well". I graduated with honors, i was a straight A student all my life, i passed the boards, am starting a job soon, etc. so none of my complaints matter because im doing "okay". But this isnt me. None of it is. I dont feel real. I just want to feel real again.
I spend so long just feeling a constant buzz in the back of my head and in my chest. All the time. And a lot of my day is me trying to pull my consciousness back to the present because i constantly wander. But the buzzing doesnt stop. It feels like there is the constant want to throw up, and something is always pressing on my chest. Everything terrifies me. Just leaving my house to travel anywhere is terrifying. Parking the car, talking to people (even if its people ive known my entire life), picking a song on the radio with other people in the car, etc. and exposure therapy doesnt work. Ive been a functioning adult for yearsnow. I have my friends from high school. To any teacher or parent whos ever observed me, i was a model child that happened to wxhibit a few eccentricities. But nothing feels correct or real. But again it doesnt matter because im fine. And whatever quirks ive managed to suppress as a child, i believe are being perceived as just not off-putting enough to warrant exclusion. Some guys i talk to even find it charming when i behave out of the ordinary (my basis for this being what behavior elicits normal responses from other people ive observed growing up)
Today, i can talk to myself more clearly and understand that ctb-ing would not be good for a few reasons. One, my family. Two, its hard to find successful methods when you're broke and afraid of pain. But god do i wish i could just go.
I dont even know what im trying to say. I think im just spiraling right now like i have been my whole life. I guess i just dont know what to do anymore except just pretend i know what the fuck im doing a day at a time. I constantly feel like im performing for everyone. But i just want it all to stop. I want the show to stop. Why cant it be easy to stop. Why are our bodies hardwired to survive. If i wasnt scared of pain (to myself and to others) i wouldve jumped straight into traffic by now. But no. We care for people and we would like to hope they care for us as well. And no because our brains want our bodies to keep functioning even if it attacks us at the same time.
Im sorry for the long post. Normally id write this in the margins of whatever sketchbook i have in front of me. But im in bed now and dont wanna handwrite all this lol.
