Venting alone at last

[Spaceman Spiff]

Ever since I tried to CTB in March, I have been staying with one of my sons. It was a condition of my release from the hospital. I have been putting on the cheerful mask and saying all the right things and behaving the right way. Tomorrow I will be moving into my own apartment. I am pretty sure that the minute I'm alone i will start obsessing about CTBing. I'm already obsessing. I really would rather just get it over with. I made the decision more than a year ago. I offered my wife an opportunity to double down on my life insurance, you only have to hold the policy 5 years to beat the suicide clause. 5 years I would continue to live as if everything is cool the one day i would "have a tragic accident" and even if they determined the suicide the wife and kids would be fucking rich. So here I am pretending to buy the Okie Doke, I will probably be dead by Tuesday

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry that you're forced to present a facade. That's a very tiring thing to have to do and is something a lot of us can relate to.

Do you mean that that you explicitly revealed to your wife your ultimate idea of waiting out the suicide exclusion clause then die after it's up?

Do you want to share what is going on to make you want to die? Despite the treatment forced on you it doesn't seem like any dent was made in your pain. Not that that is surprising.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

it's not about what is going on that makes me want to die. I am a non heterosexual male, I grew up under the homophobia of the eighties and the cold war and the ever present sense of doom just being around the corner. my parents and extended family are Mormon cultists who would have tortured or worse if I ever dropped the act. I don't want to die because of some new circumstance I am tired of having been fake for so long that I don't know who I am and worse as I learn the impact of my choices and actions I feel less deserving of life. The 5 years was to complete the obligation of supporting the offspring as the youngest would be finished with college by that point. humans suck and i don't want to be one anymore. I hope God is just another of their lies cause I want to not be.