Venting agonizing wait for medical help

[uselessflesh]

not even 2 seconds into waking up every morning i immediately go into a panic attack and feel the need to vomit, crying like the mere act of being thrown back into existence is a phobia or a trigger. it's so hard to hold out every day waiting for access to therapy and meds and for what reason do i continue to bear it when there's no guarantee i'll have those things. what am i "braving" this for

if i keep feeling like hell just by the mere experience of living i might have to succumb to non existence

 

[yowai]

same but instead of anxiety it's just inability to do anything productive and zero motivation, it made me relapse again. i did nothing for a year since getting sober, every day of the week only gaming and watching shows. i have an appointment for december 17th i hope that old man doesn't make it difficult for me to get diagnosed with adhd