speck
Student
- May 5, 2020
- 178
I just need to get it off my chest.
I've been in a relationship for 8 years. Much of it has been turbulent, but I truly love my partner so much. For several years, he has talked with me about future homes, plans, kids... I have no real family of my own, so being part of his family has been so nice at times. I can not see myself ever being in love with someone this deeply again.
But now, everything is falling apart. Since 2016, he has distanced himself more and more from me and others. He grows increasingly more isolated and polarized politically- he attacks me for not understanding his politics, takes shots at me constantly for my politics. He has expanded into taking shots at my looks as well. He has tried to make himself my enemy, probably so I will leave. On good days, I have never been more special and on the bad days I am worthless to him. Now he is talking about ending our relationship because I am not where he is politically and ideologically- the pandemic and the unrest in the cities has only made this narrative worse. I'm incredibly distressed and afraid- this person is someone that I have been with for better or for worse. Now I have lost value to him? After all the times I have stood by him...
I honestly do not think I can go on after this. I've thought about it so much as we approach the end of our lease that I feel like I'm living two narratives: one where I try to carry on and start over, erase all memories and sensation and try to live again. And one where I make peace with abandoning my possessions and my vessel. I'm exhausted.
I'm pretty sure that option two is where I'm heading. I feel afraid because I know it will be difficult emotionally to organize my final arrangements and find new housing and a job when I know I will be ctb soon. I wish I had foreseen this and made arrangements earlier. 8 years is just too long to try to start again, on top of other accumulated traumas. I'm heartbroken and devastated. Does anyone else have a similar situation?
I've been in a relationship for 8 years. Much of it has been turbulent, but I truly love my partner so much. For several years, he has talked with me about future homes, plans, kids... I have no real family of my own, so being part of his family has been so nice at times. I can not see myself ever being in love with someone this deeply again.
But now, everything is falling apart. Since 2016, he has distanced himself more and more from me and others. He grows increasingly more isolated and polarized politically- he attacks me for not understanding his politics, takes shots at me constantly for my politics. He has expanded into taking shots at my looks as well. He has tried to make himself my enemy, probably so I will leave. On good days, I have never been more special and on the bad days I am worthless to him. Now he is talking about ending our relationship because I am not where he is politically and ideologically- the pandemic and the unrest in the cities has only made this narrative worse. I'm incredibly distressed and afraid- this person is someone that I have been with for better or for worse. Now I have lost value to him? After all the times I have stood by him...
I honestly do not think I can go on after this. I've thought about it so much as we approach the end of our lease that I feel like I'm living two narratives: one where I try to carry on and start over, erase all memories and sensation and try to live again. And one where I make peace with abandoning my possessions and my vessel. I'm exhausted.
I'm pretty sure that option two is where I'm heading. I feel afraid because I know it will be difficult emotionally to organize my final arrangements and find new housing and a job when I know I will be ctb soon. I wish I had foreseen this and made arrangements earlier. 8 years is just too long to try to start again, on top of other accumulated traumas. I'm heartbroken and devastated. Does anyone else have a similar situation?