Venting 2 days left

[rikamonie]

i plan to CTB on sunday, i will make a new post when i do, its all come around so soon but i cant stay for any longer, each day is worse, more painful, i cant make a will so i will just hope my mum inherits everything, i will write my note on sunday morning while she is at work, i feel so awful leaving her behind but i have no other choice, its my time to go, im so scared but i cant wait to never wake up again, waking up is so horrible, if i dont CTB on sunday then it probably means that a miracle happened, but that wont happen

 

[RL95]

Wishing you the best, have a peaceful journey no matter what happens!

Keep us posted, would love to hear something after sunday.

On a different note - what ctb method do you plan to use?

 

[aminend]

I hope u find ur peace soon.
What's ur method?

 

[rikamonie]

Wishing you the best, have a peaceful journey no matter what happens!

Keep us posted, would love to hear something after sunday.

On a different note - what ctb method do you plan to use?

thank you, i will :') i will be using N

I hope u find ur peace soon.
What's ur method?

thank you sm, my method is N

 

[aminend]

Good for u. I wish I had N
I'm thinking to choose between SN and potassium cyanide

 

[rikamonie]

Good for u. I wish I had N
I'm thinking to choose between SN and potassium cyanide

i hope you find a peaceful way, i think SN would be the closest thing to N (':

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Peace be with you during all of this.

Feel free to chat if you need someone to talk with. I am always around.. Til I'm not. Lol.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, dear. x

 

[watereyes]

Did you test it? Hope its not rat poison or something. Take care.

 

[Saed]

@rikamonie You're a lovely,kind and thoughtful soul. I respect your autonomy,but that doesn't mean,I can't express my sorrow at seeing your light vanish from this world.
Whatever decision you take on the night...I wish you freedom from all that impedes your joy and peace.

 

[rikamonie]

Peace be with you during all of this.

Feel free to chat if you need someone to talk with. I am always around.. Til I'm not. Lol.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, dear. x

thank you very much :'3

@rikamonie You're a lovely,kind and thoughtful soul. I respect your autonomy,but that doesn't mean,I can't express my sorrow at seeing your light vanish from this world.
Whatever decision you take on the night...I wish you freedom from all that impedes your joy and peace.

thank you for the lovely message ;u; <3

Did you test it? Hope its not rat poison or something. Take care.

i havnt ): i can only test it by taking some of it but i dont think my scales can measure such a small amount and i dont want to take too much by accident, its N from C so i dont think i need to worry, thank you

 

[Isadeth]

I wish you a painless transition. I'll have to admit, I'm a tad jealous.

What do you plan on doing the next two days? ♡

 

[rikamonie]

I wish you a painless transition. I'll have to admit, I'm a tad jealous.

What do you plan on doing the next two days? ♡

thank you :')

today im just going to clean my room, have a bath, edit some photos, i have a social media page so i want to make a last post before i go, idk if i will do a livestream i think im too sad, tonight i will eat alot of my favourite things and snacks because on saturday i will keep food to a minimum but enough so im not hungry, maybe watch a movie im not sure

on saturday i will make my final post on social media, watch all of the youtube videos that i havnt already, speak to my friends for the last time, really most of the things i will do is the same as what im doing now, at night i will take some meto just for peace of mind, and have a light meal then i will try to sleep but i probably wont be able to :'3 thats all really

 

[Isadeth]

You're welcome!

I'm glad you're doing things that make you happy or that you enjoy!

Please remember that even if you don't, you can always come back to us without judgement ♡

 

[rikamonie]

You're welcome!

I'm glad you're doing things that make you happy or that you enjoy!

Please remember that even if you don't, you can always come back to us without judgement ♡

thank you sm, if things dont go to plan on sunday i will be back

 

[disabledandhopeless]

I wish you all the best!

 

[Elbarado]

i wish you all the best. But its sad :( Dont you see any other options? Have you tried a lot to get better? For many things there are solutions.
Maybe if you dont see it yet, often there is a shimmer of light you cant see by now :(

do you plan to keep us updated how you feel when you take it

 

[rikamonie]

I wish you all the best!

thank you

i wish you all the best. But its sad :( Dont you see any other options? Have you tried a lot to get better? For many things there are solutions.
Maybe if you dont see it yet, often there is a shimmer of light you cant see by now :(

do you plan to keep us updated how you feel when you take it

thank you but iv been depressed my whole life, the thing that made me happy is gone, i've tried really hard to move on im just done waking up, i cant do it anymore, i dont want to :')

i want to update but im not sure how i will feel in the moment, and N works quite fast so im not sure i will have time but i will try, i want to be helpful to everyone here and give all the information i can, so i will try to tell my last moments in another goodbye post, but in the end i might just want to be alone, we will see


edit: my grandad just called he said he wants me to look at his new ipad so i can set it up for him ): he also said he might pop up and see me some time but he didnt say when.. im scared he might visit on sunday ugh why did this happen now i still want to do it sunday but now theres a risk id be found for fuck sake this is horrible

 

[AlreadyGone]

Good luck

 

[Saed]

edit: my grandad just called he said he wants me to look at his new ipad so i can set it up for him ): he also said he might pop up and see me some time but he didnt say when.. im scared he might visit on sunday ugh why did this happen now i still want to do it sunday but now theres a risk id be found for fuck sake this is horrible

I feel your frustration,but Aw,Gramps and his ipad.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I hope you find your miracle by then

 

[grungeCat]

I wish you would find peace. I hope we will meet again on the other side

 

[rikamonie]

todays the last full day, but it doesnt feel like it at all, like i should be feeling something but it just seems like another normal day for me, it scares me a bit because i feel like tomorrow i will panic since im not doing it now.. my brain hasn't convinced itself that its going to be over soon even though thats what i keep telling myself all day it just doesnt seem to register

 

[Elbarado]

you dont need to do it...maybe rethink it...

 

[rikamonie]

you dont need to do it...maybe rethink it...

if i cant do it i wont be ashamed to stay, i will be mad at myself but i dont see another option for me it would only be postponed, when i think about not doing it i just feel awful because i have nothing to live for and it is so depressing and lonely every day

 

[angie]

if i cant do it i wont be ashamed to stay, i will be mad at myself but i dont see another option for me it would only be postponed, when i think about not doing it i just feel awful because i have nothing to live for and it is so depressing and lonely every day

 

[rhiino]

Listen to yourself and do what you really want.

 

[rikamonie]

i have an update, i think my "miracle" happened, i dont know what to do im shaking and crying, the person who made me happy and want to live messaged me saying they want to try again but in a years time because she wants to be together but later, it looks like ill be sticking around with you guys for a while incase things dont work in a year, i opened the seal on my powdered N i hope its ok.. man i deleted everything from my phone already, 8000 photos, all of my apps, all of my passwords except ones i wanted to keep for family, im in shock i called it a mircale because thats what i thought it was, an impossible outcome, but iv been given another chance, itll be really hard because my mental health is obviously awful and to be alone hurts me, but i have to give it my best shot, id like to thank everybody for their kind messages to me, id also like to apologise that i cant contribute to the N method at this time (ik its dumb to think that but im not helpful any other way) (': wish me luck

 

[Isadeth]

As long as you haven't reconstituted it, it should be fine. Just keep it closed and in a cool dry place. :)

I hope your miracle is everything you hope it'll be. I'm sorry about your phone though.
Oh, and goodluck! Xx

 

[rikamonie]

As long as you haven't reconstituted it, it should be fine. Just keep it closed and in a cool dry place. :)

I hope your miracle is everything you hope it'll be. I'm sorry about your phone though.
Oh, and goodluck! Xx

thank you sm :')

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

How are you feeling?